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My ultimate fate has long since been determined by a game of MASH I played at recess in ’98: living in a shack with my 15 children in Alaska. Neither rounds of MASH or countless paper fortune tellers could provide me direction with the intermittent dating period of my life. Much like all ’90s enthusiasts, I am convinced that everything in our future stems from preferences we held back before the Will 2K rang in. Nineties girls had to learn the art of flirting, subtlety, and accessorizing from board games played on Lisa Frank bed sheets during sleepovers. Little did we know our game of choice would shape our dating destinies.
Pretty Pretty Princess
You are basic. This game was the most generic girls’ board game of the ’90s. The only point of this game was adorn yourself in jewelry until you were so decked out in clip-on earrings that you lost circulation to your ear lobes. It was wildly popular and is still ranked as one of the top 10 board game of all time. You know what else is wildly popular? Ugg boots, Starbucks, astrology sign tattoos, and North Face fleece pullovers. You’re dating life is bland at best and you often refer to guys you hooked up with once as your “boyfriend.” Just own your basic life and accept that you will not meet the man of your dreams anytime soon. You already knew that though, because Mercury is in retrograde.
Party Mania
You are the life of the party and your planner is constantly filled with dates, brunches, and weekend getaways. The only thing more real than your adolescent obsession with Party Mania is your current FOMO. Settling down is definitely not in the cards for you anytime soon, and that’s more than okay. The entirety of your twenties has been an experiment, just seeing what is out there. Your ultimate destiny is to be the crazy cougar aunt who never gets hitched.
Mall Madness
Ex-boyfriends have called you “high maintenance,” and for good reason. You have been known to say things like, “I’ll feel better after some retail therapy.” You are a total Carrie (side note: maybe Berger wouldn’t have dumped you via post-it note if you hadn’t gone overboard with that Prada button-down). Your penchant for online shopping and expensive dates has made it impossible for any man with student loans to date you, but the lack of romance in your life doesn’t bother you because you are deeply committed to your main men: Tom Ford and Jimmy Choo.
Dream Phone
In this game, you competed for a secret admirer. Guess what? He’s calling all your friends too: what a skeeze. You are the jealous type, but this guy is hitting up all your friends–so this jealously is validated. Chances are, you don’t have many girlfriends. There is no way you could even trust them, with your man blowing up their cordless phones all the time. You frequently meet up with people you met on Tinder and then exaggerate the relationship to curious friends and family.
Girl Talk
You are a risk-taker with your dating life. This game prepped you well for daring moments later in life, and you have no hesitation asking a guy for his number. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. You have been known to lose your stride occasionally–a bad date here, a zit-sticker there, but nothing brings you down for too long. You are not about that pity party life because you know each spin brings a new possibility. The men in your life appreciate your honesty, which you learned to master after many truth question cards.
Respond
Using the word basic in this context is an act that needs to be put down like a rabid dog, shot gun style.
^Drastic. But necessary