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It’s that time of year. The NFL Preseason “started” Sunday night with the annual Hall of Fame Game in Canton, Ohio and you were engaged in a 10-person, shit talking group text throughout the duration of the game. You’re not entirely sure what was more depressing, the fact that you watched an entire preseason game or that it was the most entertaining night you’ve had in months. Preparation is key during fantasy football draft season and we’ve got you covered. Here’s what you need to dominate your draft.
Heading into a fantasy football draft is like heading into the Royal Rumble. You know who has won the most Royal Rumbles in WWE history? Shawn Michaels and Stone Cold Steve Austin. We won’t count John Cena because that guy sucks. HBK and the Texas Rattlesnake were the most confident dudes to ever grace sports entertainment and they always had an edge. Sure, you haven’t made the fantasy playoffs in two years. Who cares? This is the year you take it all down. This is the year you at least get your money back. Some people never thought you’d recover from drafting Knowshon Moreno first overall two years ago, but here you are. Yeah, you took the Steelers’ defense and special teams in the second round in 2011. It’s a new season and you’re going to dominate, despite every shred of evidence proving otherwise.
A Laissez Faire Attitude Towards Your Budget
Okay, so you’re going to be two weeks late on your rent because you spent $300 bucks on an auction draft. Doesn’t matter. That $80 bid for Philip Rivers is going to take you places. Yeah, so you paid a c-note to get into that two quarterback league at the last minute. You got Ryan Fitzpatrick and Sam Bradford. You’re so money and you don’t even know it.
At Least Five Go-to Insults
Fantasy football season is the great equalizer between friends. The ultimate test of your waning manhood. Don’t let anyone push you around. If your buddy calls you out for that Dwayne Bowe pick, make sure everyone remembers the year he named his team “Corn on the Kolb.” Loudly shout down anyone who tries to question your drafting methods.
An Inappropriate Amount Of Pride About Your Dick-Themed Team Name
There’s a tradition in my group of friends where we unveil our team names in a ceremonious manner. We wait until the last minute to name our teams. The pure joy and elation when my buddy revealed “Lionel Richie’s Pubes” as his team name during our 2011 draft is something I’ll never forget. You can send a message to the league that you’re not fucking around with a name that announces your presence with authority.
Being Drunk By The Third Round
The only two players you’ll draft that are worth a shit will be your first and second round picks. Once the snake draft has passed you by twice, start pounding. Throw caution to the wind. You didn’t get Calvin Johnson despite having a top five pick, but you can still get five beers for 12 dollars. Drink all of them in 45 minutes and just draft Eli. Surrender yourself.
Things To Throw At The Guy Who Takes His Sweet Ass Time After the Fifth Round
Something blunt. Something hard. A stapler works. Maybe some rotten fruit or a Solo cup full of ice. A half empty can of Copenhagen has proven to be effective for me in the past. Let this guy know you mean business. If he hasn’t turned on autodraft at this point, he’s just asking for trouble. You’re not getting Tom Brady, dude. Give it up. You’ve lost your chance. Why he’s taking a full two minutes to decide between a kicker and a flex receiver is beyond everyone in attendance. Stop wasting everyone’s time and follow the unwritten rules of FF etiquette.