Your Email Signature Makes You Look Like An Asshole

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The email signature line offers a small glimpse into who we are as we’re judged by total strangers, or at best, a casual office acquaintance. After you’ve nailed your name, font and size to be just slightly larger and more pronounced than your title, contact info, and academic achievement level credentials if you’re a massive douche bag, it’s time to hone in and select the perfect sign off phrase. It’s a huge decision that could make or break your signature block game. Will it be “Regards,” or maybe “Thanks?” Let’s examine some possible sign off lines and how they induce irrational, unbearable anxiety upon the overly paranoid office worker bee. The following are actual sign offs I have come across, complete with my anxiety-laden reactions if I were to use them in my own signature block.

“Respectfully yours”
Shit, this isn’t gonna work. It’s way too creepy. Yours? I don’t wanna be anybody’s. Especially not any of the Bowsers working here. If this goes to a chick it’s like shaking her hand with my fly open – way too forward. Besides, what if it’s a dude? I don’t need Marc in accounting getting any more ideas; our encounter in the bathroom last week was weird enough for this lifetime – he was definitely staring at it. Dammit, that’s probably considered homophobic of me nowadays. Thanks, Obama. God, everyone’s gonna think I’m a raging homophobe if I use this. There’s gotta be something better. Wait, am I gay?

“Thanks”
While short and shitty, this just reeks of unbridled and unintended sarcasm. It sounds so dismissive and uppity. It might as well say “Thanks, bitch, now get me a sandwich.” This is not the email sign off for me, although a sandwich sounds great. Is there a Firehouse Subs around here? Hell yes.

“Thanks!”
Everyone will see right through this feeble attempt at feigned enthusiasm. No one is gonna believe the guy moping around here like his dog just died for forty hours a week is just brimming with excitement after sending an email letting everyone know the shitter is clogged in stall three. Maybe I’ll gradually work up to this one if I can boost my office positivity game.

“Thank you”
Now I sound like an unappreciative robot, somehow rife with both excessive condescension and unearned superiority. Throw in the inherent lack of empathy and respect this sign off brings, and I’m officially the biggest asshole I know. Jesus, I bet my parents hate me.

“Regards”
Unless I’m the Duke of Wellington, or at least a butler, this is gonna make me sound like an incorrigible piece of shit. There’s a ninety percent chance the person I’m emailing can either fire me or put in a disparaging word to grease the unemployment wheels, so let’s avoid any unnecessary heat. I don’t need this shit today. Moving on.

“Cheers”
Only Rob from sales uses this, and it multiculturally sucks. He has a real thing for England for some reason, always trying to put soccer on the office TV. It’s like, dude, you’re from fucking Little Rock. No one is buying this bullshit no matter how many British-themed bars you find on Yelp. God, I hate soccer. Get it together, Rob.

“Best wishes”
Will anyone in this office actually believe I care enough about them to offer them a heartfelt well-wishing? No chance in hell. Half the people in this office know I hate them, and the other half must literally be blind and deaf. No one’s gonna buy this. I do hate them, though.

“Goodnight and good luck”
Only a real piece of shit changes his sign off after 3 PM to reflect that evening is approaching and you’re still at work reading emails from fucks like this. This sounds like I’m daring Liam Neeson to come get his daughter back while simultaneously ending the State of the Union. That movie sucked ass, too. Clooney, right? Pfft. Didn’t he divorce that chick after like a month? Isn’t he running for Congress or something in the People’s Republic of California? What an ass bag.

Inspirational Quotes
No one has ever appeared cool or competent when using a hastily selected pseudo-inspirational quote at the end of an email. “Strive for progress, not perfection.” Jeez, way to aim high, Peter LaFleur. This is a no-win situation and I’m shutting it down right now..

Image via Shutterstock

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Wasted JD