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Your Amazon History Defines You

Your Amazon History Defines You

Back in August, a guy I work with made a bet with me on the McGregor-Mayweather fight. Whoever lost the bet had to wear a G-String to work. Luckily, I’m not a dumbass and I bet on Mayweather.

Well. Actually, HE approached ME wanting to bet on McGregor.

What a mud-brained idiot.

So we were trying to figure out who was going to have to buy the G-String and he was being really bitchy about the whole thing. It wasn’t a money issue since it only cost $4, but neither of us wanted a G-String to mess up our Amazon algorithm.

That algorithm is of utmost importance to me. To be honest, the only thing that means more to me than that is my 4.96 Uber rating (Some dickbag in Springfield, IL didn’t like me)

The Amazon suggestions are the best things in the world. How else would I know that I could buy knives for my hands to look like Wolverine? That’s goddamn fantastic.

I just don’t want to throw a wrench into the whole thing and have Amazon thinking that I’m into buying panties now. That ain’t me.

The point of this all is that my Amazon account knows me better than I know myself. The list of purchases says more about me than my genes. My order history reflects my urges, my passions, and quite frankly, my darkest secrets.

I’m just gonna give you a look into my psyche. I’ll be really transparent about it.

Tech Deck Sk8Shop Bonus Pack: $12.99

Ordered on August 11, 2017

Well shit.

Alright, there was a quick second there where I thought I was going to be really into finger skateboards again. So I figured, “Fuck it! I’ll buy 6.”

I still absolutely cannot do an ollie. Not in real life, and not with my hands. To be fair though, these things are bullshit. I’m convinced no one can do anything on Tech Decks.

All those YouTube montages? Fake.

GoodSense Omeprazole Delayed Release, Acid Reducer: $15.99

Ordered on June 27, 2017

They’re heavy duty Tums. Ya boi’s insides are incredibly fragile and he gets wicked heartburn.

Do they work?

Beats me. My dog ate the package. She didn’t die though, so maybe they do.

The Taco Cleanse: The Tortilla Based Diet Proven to Change Your Life: $11.03

Ordered on June 5, 2017

This is a book for a taco diet. Not for me, but for my gal pal. Turns out the diet is vegetarian or vegan or some bullshit.

Well.

Actually, I guess that makes sense. A diet based on normal tacos would probably kill you in like five weeks.

She returned it and I love her.

Saban’s Power Rangers [Blu-ray]: $19.96

Ordered on June 4, 2017

Fuck you if you didn’t like this movie. It had absolutely no business being as good as it was.

There were very few corny lines. The CGI was limited and phenomenal. The way they built the characters was superb. It had great performances by Bill Hader, Elizabeth Banks, and Bryan Motherfucking Cranston. This movie is so good.

Get off my jock for buying an actual movie too. I’m supporting an industry.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story [Blu-Ray]: $22.96

Ordered May 27, 2017

I’ll slap the teeth out of your mouth if you try to trash this.

I apologize for being aggressive.

Kirby Super Star $41.99

Ordered March 24, 2017

Um.

*exhales*

You know how sometimes you think about something from your childhood, and you’re like, “Yeah, that would still be bitchin” so you buy a $42 Super Nintendo Game and beat it in two hours and then wallow in sadness because your childhood sucked?

That’s this.

Kirby Super Star: 4/10

Hightop LED Light Up Shoes (Gold)

Ordered March 18, 2017

Is there an app that stops you from buying shit when you’re drunk?

These are gold vinyl light up shoes, as the name would imply. They’re definitely the most hideous article of clothing that I have ever owned, and I was in DEEP on Affliction in High School.

That being said… Do you know where we are with light up shoe technology? It’s nuts dude. You have to charge these, and the lights are controlled by a button next to the tongue. You can set patterns and all kinds of crazy stuff.

I wore them to work the day after I got them and stunted on every motherfucker that came my way.

Then I was told they were distracting and had to take them off.

Didn’t bring an extra pair of shoes. Looked like a real asshole that day.

Heelys Men’s Launch Fashion Sneaker: $54.88

Ordered July 20, 2016

Oh yikes.

I remember this.

Did you know they made adult Heelys? Because they do and Heelying is not a skill that transfers to adulthood.

Fun story about that: I wore them over to my brother’s house one time to see his newborn child. Then I ate shit in the kitchen and landed like two feet away from the kid.

Everyone laughed.

I almost squished a kid, and no one cared. Seems like bad parenting to me.

Top Gun Adam Devine Workaholics Snapback Hat: $17.00

Ordered June 8, 2016

I wear this hat every day of my life.

I have never gotten so much out of $17, and I doubt I ever will again.

It’s just… when people see that hat, they know you’re real.

So that’s it. Those are the significant things in my order history. Now you know me. You know what I’m about, what bad choices I’ve made, and what I’m into.

Power Rangers is a good movie though.

Image via Shutterstock

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caughtmejerkin

I'm a Stand-Up Comic based out of St. Louis, and one time I was student of the week in middle school.

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