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“Wow, it’s amazing how Brayden is able to name all the characters on Paw Patrol, but what I asked was do you think the Lions’ have any shot of getting past Seattle?”
Conversations like this have become my new reality. Since moving to a new state, the wife and I have made a decent number of friends. Unfortunately, nearly all of them have kids. While we are not opposed to the concept of reproduction, as it’s vital to the continuation of the species, we are just “not there yet.” What we need are like-minded friends who can support our childless cohabitation lifestyle, as it seems that every one of our social groups believes we need to have a kid yesterday.
It seems like we’re stuck in a chasm between all of our married friends who have kids and all of our single friends. Finding other couples who still like to go out to the bars, all day festivals, or concerts without having to plan for naps that aren’t mine, feedings that again aren’t for me, or having enough bottles that are not full of beer is proving quite difficult.
I’m not saying that we don’t love our friends with kids. We do. They are great people who we really enjoy. It’s just that we don’t have kids, so sometimes we like to go out and not have the restrictions of children. We really do enjoy going to BBQs from 10 to 3, kid birthday parties from 10 to 3, and New Year’s Day parties from 10 to 3. These are fun events, but I always find myself in conversations that I can in no way relate to.
“Wow, Jayden was up all night crying and peeing.”
“That’s like this one fraternity brother of mine who used to wet the bed when he would black out.”
Hope you grew out of that Jake. Things are even worse for the wife. After all the women take the children to the designated playing area, she is stuck a whole room away from the wine listening to women complain about breastfeeding and losing the baby weight. I think post-baby parties are a lot like middle school parties with the guys and girls separated, except instead of trying to build up the courage to talk to one another, they’re in a race to see who can get the drunkest and complain about being parents the most before it’s time to take Kayden home for a nap.
On rare occasions, we’re able to get our parent friends to leave the house. This is by no means a small feat both for anyone involved. For them, it means either getting a babysitter (which is always what we suggest) or bringing the children.
Now, if they secure a sitter then you better believe that they are going to get the most out of their night. I can’t blame them for this; they are paying their 15-year-old neighbor $12 an hour to watch tv and eat all their chips, so they better make it count. Anytime one of our couple friends get a sitter, regardless of occasion, I start to receive a flurry of texts hyping this rare night without kids up like it’s Spring Break 2009 and we are going to Cancun.
While this can be a lot of fun, sometimes we want to be able to go out have dinner and drinks without the pressure of, “This has to be the best night ever!”
If we are in a “bring the kids” scenario, we are doomed to a meal exiled from society at “family friendly” establishments. I love our friends’ kids, but there is no better reminder to use birth control than trying to get through a meal with four kids under five. While we really do appreciate it when our child-burdened friends make it out of their homes, often we like to go out to dinner and not have to sit in the family section. And we even like to go out afterward to a bar with live music instead of rushing home to “relieve the sitter.”
The solution that all of them constantly propose is that we just join their cult and have a kid of our own. This, however, is something we are not willing to do. We are by no means ready to give up our freedom to go to happy hour right from work, go out of town on short notice, and sleep in on the weekends. So we are going to have to find some like-minded couples to enjoy care-free boozing with.
On the other side of this divide are our various groups of degenerate single friends who are a lot of fun, but as I mentioned, are also degenerates. Every time we go out it always starts off great, but as the night goes on they either break off to try to get laid or there is some sort of single female drama and my wife ends up playing therapist.
Weirdly, they too don’t understand our childless lifestyle. In their minds, “As soon as you get married, you’re supposed to have kids, right? So if you don’t want kids, why did you get married?” Well, I can tell you that I got married because I know I’ve got a good thing and was not about to fuck it up. We kind of have a King of Queens thing going on. People have commented on it, including my boss after I brought her to the company Christmas party for the first time, saying, “You should knock her up before she comes to her senses and leaves you.”
I can’t speak for her on why she wanted to marry me, but I like to believe that my skills in the bedroom are why she had to lock it down. Why must we immediately have kids? Why can’t we just continue to go out as much as we did while we were dating, get her covered on my health insurance, and apply that joint filing tax deduction to our bar tabs?
So consider this our open advertisement for childless couples in the DC, Annapolis, Baltimore area who want to be friends. (We’re not swingers, by the way. I mean, you can be – it’s 2017, so whatever a group of consenting adults do is their own business, we’re just not participating.) No marriage requirement, either; it’s cool if you’re just dating. We are just looking for some new fun friends who like to drink, travel, and not change diapers. If you’re into conversations that aren’t about children’s shows, the best daycares, or minivans, we may be for you..
Respond
CrabCakes and Homebrew
That's what Maryland Does! Just going through the motions in my cube until I have enough cash to just brew the rest of my days away. crabcakesandhomebrew@gmail.com
@CrabCakesHBrew 
Just get a dog and start treating it like a child and bringing it everywhere too. Not one of those little prissy things though. Get a Rottweiler or something badass and constantly steer the conversation back to what Rex learned in obedience training last week and how many shits he took on the lawn
When people talk about their kids I like to compare my dogs to the kids and see how long it takes for them to get pissed off and tell me how much more difficult kids are than dogs.
I have a Rottweiler and can confirm that this strategy works. “Oh, your kid swallowed a nickel and you have to sift through their poo to make sure it passes? He’ll be fine – Dubya once ate a pair of my ex’s panties and shit them out in my parent’s backyard.”
Congrats on the moves in the bedroom. And the sex.
I like to drink anywhere between Fed Hill and Adam’s Morgan but if I bring my gf around you she is gonna want a ring. Also we’really swingers.
Sup, in a platonic DINK-to-DINK kind of way
I missed it, what’s DINK?
Dual Income No Kids
And it’s glorious
DINK may be my favorite acronym of all time
There’s also DINKWAD (With A Dog).
Need you to move to Houston.
Did Brayden include Tracker and Everest? Because if not, I’m not impressed.
Hah, I just made an account just to comment on this article because it feels like I wrote this in my sleep, are you sure you’re not me? Even the name CrabCakes and Homebrew. Great article though, my wife and I relate ever so painfully. Next time you’re in Annapolis hit us up (we’re not swingers either). Twitter: @EricHufford — p.s My wife just told me to mention how cool we are
Yeah hit me up on twitter next time you come to town.
I’ll use this as an open ad for friends. I’m all for hanging out with couples as long as they aren’t constantly say, “we’re just past the bar scene”. Mixing in degenerates is always fun though. Unfortunately I’m in Cincinnati.
Hey, and I mean this in the most platonic way possible… Sup.
My husband and I relocated last year and were in the same situation. A few friends from college in the area, but just want to rage constantly. Which is cool for them but we’re more of a dinner then drinks and home by midnight crowd. I’m down to get a little drunk but I don’t need to be shutting the place down anymore. LONG STORY SHORT…out of desperation we went to Meetup.com and found a DINK group who met up once a month for dinner or whatever. We went and we’re easily the youngest people there by 10 years. It was weird…haven’t gone back.
were* also, still not convinced they weren’t swingers.
Preach! And I’m even less “kid driven” than my husband. Which makes it especially hard relating to the parent crowd. People don’t really grasp a female whose not baby crazy. My friend group is no where near that zone, but they are also scattered across the states.