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I’ve talked about anonymous bar farting before. It’s an epidemic that has plagued this great nation, nay, the entire world, since before I was born. But a new, possibly more egregious person has gotten my attention and entered the arena. I’m speaking, of course, about the holier than thou drink orderer.
Sure, you have the girl who just had a fight with her boyfriend in front of everyone and is inconsolably sobbing. While annoying, this girl eventually leaves or stops crying because you only have so many tears in those ducts. And then, of course, you have the “woo” girl. She’s yelling constantly, ordering shots that nobody wants (and she isn’t paying for), and just being generally annoying. But this girl brings some needed energy to the group.
The overly complicated drink guy sucks because he takes ten to fifteen minutes to get a drink from the bar and is silently judging everyone with a Bud Light in their hand. And I think he’s becoming a strong challenger for number one spot above the anonymous bar farter.
We all have this person in our group. Whether it’s your buddies girlfriend or the new kid who was reluctantly invited out this particular night, everyone’s got that special someone who just can’t help themselves from ordering a fucking Mai-Tai at the place with Miller Lites on special for two bucks.
You and the crew arrive at a crowded bar that specializes in nothing more than domestic coldies and whiskey-cokes. A down to earth place where everyone can let their hair down and speak candidly for Christ’s sake. Anything more than your standard Bud Light or two-ingredient mixed drink is just asking for a side-eye from the bartender and a sub par drink. As any seasoned drinker knows you order according to your environment. There is a time and a place for that Moscow Mule or gin martini extra dirty. The hole in the wall with a bartender who has been working there for thirty years is not the place.
I love cocktails. It’s the summer of Tom Collins, you guys. But know your audience. Ordering a complex drink at a bar like this is not only pretentious, it’s an incredible waste of time and energy. If you’re in the comfort of your own home or an upscale bar, by all means – make a drink for yourself that is going to take a few minutes to make. When you’re in your house don’t be shackled by common decency for your fellow bar patron.
Just last weekend, I stood behind a woman who ordered three Moscow Mules and two shots that she referred to as “The Brave Bull.” I watched carefully as the bartender poured tequila and Kahlua into two shot glasses. First of all, what the fuck? Tequila and Kahlua mixed together into a shot is incredibly revolting. I nearly threw up as I watched her and her boyfriend throw back this goddamn atrocity of drink. I then waited nearly ten minutes as the poor bartender looked around searching frantically for copper mugs and ginger beer that was probably a few years expired. My point is this: you wouldn’t go to McDonalds and order a steak medium rare, so why are you walking into a bar that doesn’t have doors on the bathroom stalls and expecting to get a decent Old Fashioned? Order a shitty beer like everyone else and be on your way.
I understand that sometimes you want to get your WASP on and have a martini or a manhattan. But you’ve got to know when and where that is appropriate because not only will you alienate your friends, you’re going to alienate the bartender serving you and they’re just going to think you’re a prick. Stick to the domestic coldies and two-ingredient cocktails please..