You Need To Have A Backup Plan For Marriage, As Evidenced By A Bunch Of Japanese People Marrying Their Best Friends

You Need To Have A Backup Plan For Marriage, As Evidenced By A Bunch Of Japanese People Marrying Their Best Friends

I always assumed Japanese people were into some kinky sex stuff. No idea where this idea came from but, if I had to point fingers, I’d probably point them at Pornhub. Welp, turns out porn ain’t mirroring real life, because Japan has somewhat of a sex problem. The jury is still out on whether or not it’s a direct result of their Ps and Vs being all pixelated (that’s a Japanese porn joke, in case your adventures haven’t taken you to those motion pictures yet). Whatever the reason, it has apparently caused a significant portion of the population to give up on dating. Birth rates in Japan are plummeting, too. But because there is still a desire to get married, Japanese people are simply marrying their friends.

Per Business Insider:

The Japanese sex problem has become so desperate that its young population are giving up on dating and are just marrying their friends.

A Government survey found 69 per cent of Japanese men and 59 per cent of Japanese women do not have a romantic partner.

One Japanese aggregator website has since been awash with stories of how people have simply got married to life-long friends.

The country has one of the lowest birth rates in the world, with just 8.4 children being born per 1,000 inhabitants over the last five years. Its population of 127m people is predicted to decrease to 87m by 2060.

The survey, carried out by the country’s National Institute of Population and Social Security Research, also reported that about 80 per cent of unmarried Japanese want to get married.

In recent weeks, people have posted stories to the aggregator website Matome Naver, telling how in one case, a colleague married their friend of 10 years. The trend has been coined “Kousai zero Nichikon”: roughly translated as “marrying without dating”.

I’m using this Japanese news as a conduit to stress a critical – dare I say imperative – aspect of this little game we call life. You need a marriage backup plan. One of those pacts between friends that says if you’re both single by some age determined by the two of you (37 sounds like an appropriate age for this) then the two of you would get married. This is not up for debate. Everyone needs a backup plan.

When all your friends are finally settling into their marriages and raising families, and you’re still glaringly single, the only logical thing to do is tie the knot with the one person who’s stuck with you as a platonic friend (or maybe an old flame, too) all these years. You get along with them, you know them ricockulously well, and they are just as single as you. You’ll marry your friend and it will completely remove that black cloud over your head and you can stop stressing about marriage and just go back to living your life.

I’m not saying you have to have kids with these people. Not saying you have to have sex with ‘em either. But you need a steady plus one to go through life with. A travel buddy. Someone who’s there for the tax breaks. You need that foil on a constant basis. Do you know what happens to people who go through life never having to fight over a remote control or ever have to compromise on what to eat for dinner? Fucking anarchy.

And can you imagine how much better your current dating life be once you know that you’ve got a wedding date set for ten, fifteen, maybe twenty years in the future? The pressure is off! It’s not IF you’re ever going to get married. It’s IF you find someone better than your friend in the next decade. Just like how jerking off is the smartest thing you can do before making a huge life decision, having a marriage backup is the smartest thing you can do to improve your dating life.

It’s so illogical not to have a backup, you should get yourself two, like Phoebe Buffay.

Image via Shutterstock

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Boston Max

Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly

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