You Might Want To Consider Grad School If…


After 4+ years of free reign and questionable social decisions, your parents wake you up at a reasonable ante meridian hour and make you have to deal with, dare I say it…townies. Like, all day. And they pressure you to “network” and get a job doing something not even close to what you went to school for. But when your hometown is so bad that it makes you want to go deeper into debt, you may really want to reevaluate your life choices.

  1. If your hometown doesn’t have a Walmart, you should probably think about grad school.
  2. If your county is dry, please God think about grad school.
  3. If half your graduating class walked across the stage at your high school graduation as parents, don’t even go back home. Not even on the weekends. You’re a survivor, you’re not gon’ give up. You will survive, and you’ll keep on survivin’–in grad school.
  4. If you will make more money in residual checks leftover from your student loans than the minimum wage job requiring maximum strength Xanax you manage to find, go to grad school.
  5. If the other half of your graduating class is still hanging out in that parking lot for fun, go to grad school.
  6. If the predominant drug of choice in your hometown is meth, you should probably think about going to grad school.
  7. If you, even for a split second, think about dusting off the ol’ letterman jacket to wear to a school-sanctioned sporting event, or for any other reason, leave.
  8. If your momma keeps trying to play matchmaker and even suggests your high school sweetheart, jump ship now, go to grad school, and thank me later. Because no.
  9. If Shinedown, Hinder, Buckcherry, or (God forbid) Nickelback are still bands people play by choice at social events or on the radio, please consider grad school.
  10. If the high school reunion that is pulling up to the drive-thru window starts becoming a regular thing, you should probably put some serious thought into grad school.
  11. If you legitimately consider picking up your old summer job lifeguarding at the pool as a serious means of work, please go to grad school.
  12. If over 60% of your job application responses say that they are going to go with “someone more experienced,” maybe go to grad school? Intern somewhere? 2-3 years experience is hard to gain when ALL THE JOBS require 2-3 years experience, but I hear some companies substitute education for experience. Worth a shot.

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My state gave you J. Law, Clooney, two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys, and multiple fifths of bourbon. I gave you a cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics. Psuedo-adult by day; PGP, TFM, and TSM contributor by night. Please don't ask me to do math.

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