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All it took was one column. I Started Vaping And Now I Can’t Stop Getting Laid was a masterpiece written by Jared Borislow about a year ago. I read it for the first time just a few hours ago and it’s with a lot of joy that I announce to you all that I am going to become a vaper.
I’m a man, after all. And vaping sounds like a really easy way to get laid.
I can’t smoke cigarettes anywhere anymore without getting a side-eye from a passerby. Sometimes I’ll light up on the sidewalk and a person will actually stop what they’re doing and ask me to put out my cancer stick because it’s offensive to their delicate sensibilities. Simply put, smoking cigarettes is no longer acceptable in most areas of this country.
House cigs have been completely out of the question since the 70s and with the weather finally turning to complete and absolute shit here in the midwest, it’s time that I hung up the metaphorical cleats until next summer.
The problem here is that I don’t want to hang up the cleats. I enjoy a casual cigarette outside of the bar or at a party where I’m not super comfortable because it’s a way for me to meet new people over a shared interest.
Cigarettes have always been a seasonal thing for me. They come out on warm weather days not because I’m addicted to them but more so because it gives me something to do when I’m sitting on a back porch sipping coldies with my boys.
Let me give it to you as straight as I can: I’m thinking about becoming a vaper. Not because I need the nicotine. More so because I just want that buzz that a vape will provide without having to step outside.
There will be no turning back from this once I set the pendulum in motion, though. The famous Batman quote “You either die a non-smoker or live long enough to become a vaper” has never rung more true than it has today for yours truly.
I’m fully aware of my status online and in real life as a douchebag. But being a vaper is a different brand of douchebag that simply doesn’t match up with mine.
I’m a “Look-down-on-others-that-don’t-know-the-difference-between-Beluga-and-Ossetra-caviars” kind of a douchebag.
A vaper, stereotypically speaking, is the sort of douche that many people thought was extinct. The Ed Hardy type. His jeans are probably from The Buckle (remember that store from the mid-2000s that was all the rage?)
The prototypical vaper says phrases like “Bro, let’s do a shot of Fireball…for the boys!” with an enthusiasm that lets everyone around him know that he has no idea what the word ironic means. The reputation that vaping carries with it meant that I never could bring myself to go out and buy one of those giant “rigs” that I see people carrying around.
They’re about the size of an old-school GameBoy and it is impossible to not look like a complete and total asshole when you pull that thing out of your pocket in public to take a drag.
However, my hatred towards vaping has softened in the last few months with the meteoric rise of vape companies like JUUL. I went so far as to contact JUUL via Twitter yesterday to no avail.
I see the college kids sticking these things in girls butts and then taking hits out of them. JUUL seems to be the hip new thing for the young go-hards and I want in. I’m sick of having my hands smell like shit after I get done smoking a cigarette. The smell that lingers on my body and in my mouth upon finishing a Camel Blue is downright offensive.
The greatest thing about a JUUL or Blu vape is that they are discreet. Unlike the Gameboy-Isized rigs that I mentioned earlier, pulling a JUUL out of your pocket will not alert everyone in your immediate vicinity that you’re a vaper. I’m ready to declare myself “all in” on vaping.
I just want something to puff on when I’m sitting at my coffee table on a Saturday morning with a piping hot cup of joe, the snow gently falling to the street outside my living room. Is that really so much to ask? I mean look how cool the kid in my header picture looks. That’s a guy who clearly has life figured out.
And to the people out there who are saying I should quit – for those that continually tell me I should give up the disgusting nicotine habit that has plagued millions of Americans I only have one thing to say:
So what I’m saying is, yeah, I vape. .
Image via Youtube
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
Or you could just dip
Hear hear!
JD someone actually told you out on a sidewalk to put out the cig you just lit up? I would have lit up a 2nd one and smoked two at a time just mess with them..
So does the girl somehow smoke the JUUL in her booty or is it put up there simply for the taste when the guy smokes it? Just trying to stay up with the trends
“Not because I need the nicotine. More so because I just want that buzz that a vape will provide without having to step outside.”
Your’re addicted
All i’m getting from this is that your new girlfriend doesn’t like it when you smoke…
Go to sea we are sucking down Marlboro milkshakes daily and tax free, $20 a carton.
WE GET IT, U VAPE
nah dude smoke cigarettes like god intended
Priest: Lift up your cigs
People: We lift them up to the Lord
The biggest upside to cigarettes is that they’re fun to smoke. Head to Richard’s Bar, they still let you smoke inside.
My favorite bar in the city. If someone was zapped from 1978 into present day Richard’s they wouldn’t even be able to tell the difference.
Duda, what’s your go-to pack of darts?
For some reason I can only see you smoking Reds or Lights, nothing in between. You don’t strike me as a man who occupies the middle ground.
Camel Blues baby
Shine on you crazy diamond.
If you ever burn down a 27, think of me
Oh hell yeah, 27s are a delight. Pull them out and you’re either met with a “whoa what is that!” or a knowing nod from an eskismoke brother. Puff on, kemosabe.
You’d like camel Turkish delights
Thank me later
Royals* not delights
used to think i was a hardass smoking Reds back in the day, stick to Southern Cuts now. Half way gagged at my desk just now thinking about the taste of a red