You Are Sad And Worthless According To Drunk Crawfish

You Are Sad And Worthless According To Drunk Crawfish

In the early 1800s, a French explorer took a break from his colonialist pillaging to go on a walk with his Zulu guides because they had something funny for him to watch. What they knew was that the sun had been beating down on some marula fruits that had fallen on the ground. This action of heating had slightly fermented the juice inside them.

And then the elephants came. A couple elephants showed up and ate a shitload of these little boozeballs, got fucked up, and proceeded to sing Journey songs, cry, fuck fat elephants, and so forth. Just kidding, but they did start wobbling around, and knocked over some trees.

Animals have a long history of abusing substances, whether it’s something mundane like fruit bats eating fermented melons like the little chill bros they are, to the deranged meth head dolphins who gnaw on deadly puffer fish because the poison in their spines gets them messed up. There are even wallabies that will eat a whole bunch of poppy plants because there’s really nothing better than watching a junkie marsupial nod off.

Not to be outdone, science and the hand of man has stepped in to get some more animals drunk. Three party scientists from the University of Maryland have mixed crawfish and alcohol in a far more sophisticated way than I’m used to: they decided to put a bunch of crawfish in alcohol to study and laugh at what they do.

In a paper just published in Experimental Biology, Matthew Swierzbinski, Andrew Lazarchik and Jens Herberholz of the University of Maryland have shown that a sociable upbringing does indeed increase sensitivity to alcohol.

So first of all, I’m going to go find some of my high school teachers and hit their kneecaps with a crowbar for not telling me that “getting animals drunk for science” is a viable career option.

Second of all, the purpose of the experiment was to see how socialization helps with inebriation. The scientists found that crawfish introduced to alcohol in the company of other crawfish will start acting drunk about 25 percent faster than sad, lonely drunk crawfish. Essentially this is the legit way of proving the “if you buy a keg of O’Douls for high schoolers” theory. The animals started walking on their tip toes, which led to jumping up and doing somersaults, and eventually tapered into the crawfish lying on their backs and wiggling their feet around like idiots. Hilariously adorable.

So there you have it: drinking with other people helps you get drunk faster, as proven by biological experiments. Hopefully they kept some of their test subjects around for a boil.

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International sailing champion and friend to most wolves. Except Larry, he knows what he did.

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