Writers’ Roundtable: What Would You Buy With A Million Dollars?

Writers' Roundtable: What Would You Buy With A Million Dollars?

Part of being a postgrad is you’ve got bills and expenses, but never enough money to comfortably pay them. Getting that first paycheck is great until you realize you’re gonna spend most of it on stuff you hate like student loans and the water bill. It’s this reality that makes us buy scratch-offs or daydream about suddenly stumbling upon a large sum of money. A million bucks doesn’t buy what it used to, but it’s a nice round number for our writers to weigh-in on what they would buy right away if someone slapped a $1M briefcase full of cash on their desk.

The first thing I would do is try and buy my mom her dream house. Upon realizing that a million dollars doesn’t buy shit in Los Gatos, CA, I would buy myself a matte black 2017 Dodge Viper instead. I would then attempt to set the record for longest police chase ever while I haul ass from Chicago to Las Vegas. After my inevitable arrest and release on bail (first offense, bitches), I would take an Uber Helicopter the rest of the way to the Bellagio, where I would unite with Johnny Football and Dan Bilzerian to mount an attack on the strip that will result in multiple felony arrest warrants. I would flee to Mexico in the nick of time and live the rest of my days in peaceful solitude as a fisherman in a tiny coastal village. My story will be made into a Lifetime movie titled “A Million Dollars Too Late.” where I will be played by Macaulay Culkin. — Nick Arcadia

If I had a million dollars, I’d probably buy a plot of land in the country with some blueberry bushes, apple trees and a big garden. Id buy a little log cabin and fish all day. Maybe travel a bit. A million bucks doesn’t get you much these days anyway. Either or all this — or two chicks at the same time. — MadoffInvestment

Buy a lot of land in a mountainous/wooden region. Build a small house. Buy a blacked out suburban. Spend the rest on drugs. Sell the drugs. Buy more drugs. Sell the drugs. Repeat until you’re a billionaire. Retire. JK never retire because I’m all about that business. — Delph

If I had a million dollars, first thing I’d do is buy a beach house and open up a brewery. — PostGradShibby

I’d make sure that Virginia Tech nailed a top-five recruiting class. Once I’d bought enough five-stars to secure a soon-to-be-vacated national championship, I’d upgrade my whip, deck out a playroom for Crash Jr, and then take what’s left to the casino. Why? Because you know what’s better than a million dollars? A billion dollars. — Crash Davis

Aw man. This is going to sound so awful and shallow, but let’s get real: a million dollars isn’t what it used to be. I can easily imagine $1,000,000 right down the drain. So let’s get to it, shall we? Let’s immediately get rid of $100,000 to please, God, clear out my potential law school student loans. With $750,000, let’s buy a badass pad in Highland Park, Dallas’ finest suburb. With the $150,000 I have left, I’d probably buy a blacked out G-Wagon and a shit ton of designer bags, shoes, and clothing. I am a perfect example of why people who win the lottery go flat broke. Tom Ford and Louis V all day. I deserve nothing. I am trash. Good day. — Taylor Stovall

In my position, the responsible answer would be to start paying off the mountain of debt I’ve accumulated after spending 8 years in higher education. Thankfully, I’m not a responsible person – I’d buy a boat in a heartbeat. Hell, I’d probably buy two – a Malibu for wakeboarding, waterskiing and all that shit, and then a tricked out pontoon boat to drop anchor and get ‘faced on. If I suddenly find myself with two boats, I’ll need a way to tow those puppies around, so I guess I’ll be needing a new truck too. After all that is taken care of, I’d take whatever money was left and pour it into buying a nice lot on the water and building myself the biggest lake house I could afford. Lake choice is still up in the air, but front runners for me would be Table Rock or Lake Norris. — Crick Watson MD

I’d offer Tom Brady $1 million to let me suck his dick, but when he (probably) says no, I’d be forced to: Buy my parents a beach house in Maine (~$700K); buy myself a Maserati GranTurismo (~$150K); Patriots season tickets (~$50K); month-long trip to Australia (~$50K); hire entire cast of Seinfeld and Larry David to write and perform a reunion show for me (~$50K). So that’s a milly….and I’m leaving myself no room to pay rent. Oops. — Improper Brostonian

145,000,000 Pokecoins. — Cush

I’ll tell you what I’d do man. Two chicks at the same time, man. — JR Hickey

Seeing as I already spend my money like I have an extra million laying around, I would probably just let it go into my bank account and watch it fly away to booze, Postmates, and trendy clothes just like the rest of my money. Only difference is maybe I’d be able to afford cocaine. — Best

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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