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We’re gonna make it, my friends. We made it through the dreaded Monday, the even shittier Tuesday, and now we’re coming up on the week’s halfway point. By EOD, it’ll all be downhill towards the weekend. Stand strong. To help that time fly by, I’ve prepared a Would You Rather that, for many of you, will hit home.
As always, the rules of these questions are simple. I present two options, and you must pick which you’d rather have happen. As is often the case, both of these choices suck, but unfortunately, not picking one isn’t an option. Here’s this week’s question:
Would you rather: Go bald OR be forever cursed to have bad haircuts?
Well, shit. Story of my life, either way, am I right? This is a tough one. One hand, my biggest fear is going bald. On the other, is having hair even worth it if it always looks like shit? Before I break it down, let’s get some clarification on this.
1. When would I go bald?
Your hair would start falling out today. This isn’t asking “would you rather eventually go bald?” No. You would begin an aggressive balding timeline culminating in you having zero hair within six months. And it won’t be a slowly receding hairline either. Hell no. You’re going to look like a molting bird. Your head is going to be subject to a two-pronged attack from a bald spot and a hairline that’s retreating like it’s the Battle Of Waterloo. It’ll be a nightmare.
2. How bad are the haircuts?
Google Yolandi Visser for me right now. That’s how bad. (Side note: I put Yolandi on my “Hall-Pass” list and my girlfriend outright revoked it. That’s how weird she looks.) Your haircuts won’t just be Supercuts bad. It’ll be intentionally poorly cut and styled, every day, for the rest of your life. That’s right, I said every day. You can’t just get a bad haircut once a year and grow it out until it looks fine. Whether it means going to the salon every week or having a professional stylist fuck your hair up every day, you’ll never get a reprieve from the disaster on your head.
3. Can I just put on a wig?
Fuck no, you can’t just put on a wig. This is a Would You Rather, not a Let’s Help You Find A Loophole In This Question. Get out of here with your wig talk.
Now that we’ve asked all the questions, it’s time to get to an answer. As Jack Donaghy once said, “Your hair is your head’s suit.” So which is worse; wearing an awful, ill-fitting suit, or walking around naked? Unfortunately, that’s not a question I can answer for you, since I don’t know what you look like bald (or naked, if we’re continuing this metaphor), but I think I can give advice if you’re honest with yourself about your looks.
If you’re extremely attractive, the bad haircut is the move. Right now, I can guess about 80% of you who sighed in relief are lying to yourselves. I’m not talking “pretty good looking.” I mean “extremely attractive.” Do you have over 10k Instagram followers and post exclusively selfies? Do bartenders not charge you for drinks? Have people referred to you as “cute,” or “pretty?” The last one was a trick question. If people call you either of those, you’re not extremely attractive. I’m talking about dimes. Hotties. Smokeshows. If you’re out there, you know who you are. Don’t be modest. You could look good in a trash bag, so a shitty haircut won’t be a problem. Once you reach a certain level of attractiveness, looking intentionally bad actually amplifies your hotness, so this haircut would be right up your alley.
For everyone else, it’s time to go bald. If you’re a guy, this shouldn’t be that big of a deal. Even for dudes whose great hair has become a part of their persona like Will or Dillon (sorry Dave). Sure, many of us would look like shit without hair. If you can’t grow a beard and you’re not ripped like Jason Statham, it’s going to be a tough loss. However, no matter how bad, at least it doesn’t look intentional. I’d rather people pity me for going bald than pity me for looking like a 5-year-old who cut his own hair. Baldness can inspire respect in the workplace. A reverse mohawk haircut will get you fired.
When you think about it, the choice is easy. The hardest part is looking yourself in the mirror and being honest. And I’ll be honest. I’m not hot enough to pull off a horrible haircut. I think I’m pretty good-looking, mainly due to the fact that I’ve often dated very attractive girls and I’m too much of an asshole for my personality to be doing the heavy lifting. A strong seven? Perhaps. But that’s not good enough. No way could I pull off a shitty haircut.
On the other hand, I’ve already accepted that I’m going bald sooner rather than later. Although my hairline remains relatively unchanged since high school, my mom’s dad was dead bald at 30, and I’ve had that knowledge hanging over my head for years. I’ve already publicly stated that the second my hairline starts receding, I’m going full Bruce Willis. It’d almost be nice to have the uncertainty of it removed. I’m ready to go bald. Final answer..
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
As a black guy this isn’t even a debate… Bald for sure. We somehow look better bald. Also, is that a goddamn rat tattooed on her shoulder?
Man, imagine what she’d do to you in the bedroom. Most men wouldn’t survive
Black dudes look awesome bald. Like, if I was black I’d probably shave my head even if I had hair
Anndddd you just convinced me to shave my head. Thanks Young Gil
Happy to help, internet amigo
I was a swimmer (shocking I know) and before Conference we always gave the freshman horrendous haircuts before they were allowed to shave it off. As someone who has had both for extended periods of time, bald is absolutely the move.
I used to dye and cut my hair crazily each year voluntarily. Grow it for a year, dye it purple/blonde/black/etc., cut it into a mullet/fro-hawk/Hulk Hogan. Shave it all off for districts or states.
As someone who is halfway through a year long hair growing period, this gives me major anxiety. I’m going to say bad haircut and just act extremely shocked and offended if anyone says anything
I have a massive head (like the last hole in the closure of a baseball cap massive) so I’d look awful bad. Therefore. bad haircut it is.
Had a buddy growing up whose head was so big he couldn’t snap his youth baseball caps so if they couldn’t get one from an older division, he’d have to let the straps just hang undone
Likewise had a buddy in the same boat. We called him ET, we were not overly kind.
Awful bald*
Bald. Although, when you have great hair, even a fucked up haircut isn’t too bad.
I’d go full Sinéad O’Connor.
Bald
Since I already know how I’ll look bald (lost a bet a few years back) I’m definitely going with bald
Bald is the obvious answer here. I like to think I’d look like Statham, but that’s BS. Still better than a perpetual terrible haircut
Definitely bald. Hands down. I could appreciate the increased shower efficiency