World’s Saddest Ex-Boyfriend Creates World’s Saddest Website To Win Back His Former Lover

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There’s a reason Counting Crows wrote the masterpiece known as “Big Yellow Taxi.” There’s never been a wiser song written about heartbreak. You really don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone…THEY PAVED PARADISE AND PUT UP A PARKING LOT.

Well, one gentleman went full Adam Duritz. You never go full Adam Duritz. He don’t care about spots on his apples, leave him the birds and the bees, PLEASE. The website, literally called “I Love You, Shauna” was uncovered by I Thee Dread on Tuesday afternoon. It is really, really pathetic. I mean, the guy went all out. The site itself is currently under “maintenance” and unaccessible to the prying eyes of the public, but the gut-wrenching pleas are still available to the public.

The guy’s name is simply “Sam,” and ol’ Sammy really swung for the fences here. Apparently, Sam made “two mistakes,” so Shauna kicked him to the curb. Shauna wanted to move in with Sam and Sam wasn’t about to let that happen, so Shauna headed for greener pastures. The second mistake? Probably tried #buttstuff without asking for Shauna’s permission first.

Sam repeatedly begs for forgiveness at every turn and at the end, you’re just sick with clichéd “Oh, I’m sorry baby please take me back” breakup lines.

Shauna, I’m so sorry for all the pain that I’ve put you through. I broke your heart into a million pieces twice, and I regret those decisions every single day. You don’t deserve someone that is going to hurt you like that.. You deserve the best of the best. And that is why I’m trying to show you that I can be that person for you. I’ve changed a lot over the last 4+ months and I’ve realized many of my faults. I’ve reflected on those faults for weeks and knew I had to take steps to correct them. I know it has taken me a while to realize my faults, but I would rather put this effort in than not at all because you are the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

When we were together, I idiotically didn’t put you first. It was always me, me, me and what I wanted to do. I tried to turn everything into something about me rather than making it about the more important person, you. I was a stubborn idiot who thought everything should be my way or no way. The fact of the matter is that I’m clearly not right all the time and I’m definitely not perfect. I’ve made a ton of mistakes when it came to us and I’d give anything to show you how I’ve changed for the better.

I took you for granted when I should have cherished each and every single moment with you. You gave me such an overwhelming amount of love and care and I didn’t even realize it. Looking back at what we had, I made two huge mistakes by letting you go. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me and allow me the opportunity to make you feel like the most important girl in the world. I’m trying everything I can to show you how I’ve changed for the better and I hope you’re recognizing how I’m changing.

Then Sam went full Buzzfeed, compiling a 37-item list of things he promises to do once the two of them are finally reunited.

I thought it would be nice to list some of the things that I want to do with you to show you that I’ve changed, if I was given the opportunity of being your boyfriend again.

1. Marry you.

2. Live with you.

3. Grow old with you.

4. Be the father of your children.

5. Spend the rest of my life with you.

6. Make you feel like the most important girl in the world.

7. Be there for you through thick and thin.

8. Go apple picking with you each fall.

9. Sleep with you every night.

10. Have more date nights by taking you out to dinner more often.

11. Take you out on a movie night more often.

12. Dance with you more.

13. Take you on a trip to Pittsburgh to see your Steelers play.

14. Go on vacation with you wherever you want.

15. Talk to you on the phone more.

16. Send you flowers randomly “just because.”

17. Take some more trips to the batting cages.

18. Cook you dinner a few times each month (and not just Penne & Vodka :))

19. Go to the city more often for dinner/to walk around.

20. Hold your hand as much as possible.

21. Lay on the beach with you.

22. Wrap my arms around you every single day and not let go (well, maybe after a little while).

23. Kiss you and remind you how much I love you every single day.

24. Spend more time at your apartment.

25. Spend more time cuddling and hugging.

26. Spend more time with your family.

27. Stay up late laughing with you.

28. Give you more massages.

29. Doing many more romantic things with you.

30. Show you how serious I am about changing for the better.

31. Show you how you’d never have to go through the pain that you’ve went through ever again.

32. Stare into your eyes and make you feel like you’re the only girl on earth.

33. Show the world how proud and lucky I would be to be with you.

34. Post mushy messages all over your Facebook wall.

35. Make you my Woman Crush Wednesday on Instagram every Wednesday, lol.

36. Love you unconditionally.

37. And many many more…

That’s it? 37? You literally came up with 37 things that you would do differently to try to win a woman back? As a guy who has in fact gone through a terrible breakup, you better be rolling up to Shauna’s browser with at least 5,000 reasons she needs to get back together with you. It’s like the guy copy-pasted an AskMen “How To Show Her You Love Her” list from 2006 and slapped it on this hastily made blog.

Finally, Sam wrapped it up with yet another tired-ass “Aw baby, I loved this this and this and also this about you. I miss your face” drivel.

There is no one on earth that makes me happier than you do. I miss & love so many things about you that I’d just never be able to list them all. Things like when you’d stare just at me and make your “Hm!” sounds. Like when you’d skip on the treadmill for no reason; it always made me laugh. Like when you’d lay on my lap and ask me to play with your hair. And I love the fact that you’re a successful woman who didn’t need any help from anyone to get where you are today. You are an unbelievably amazing and beautiful person, and that is what I love most about you.

Shauna, we’re in your corner here. It’s obvious Sam wants attention rather than being back in his (judging by the bikini pic, smoking hot) ex-girlfriend’s arms. Stay the course, sister. Plenty of HTML literate dudes out there who won’t embarrass you like this.

[via I Thee Dread]

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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