World Golf Rankings Based On Who I’d Like To Party With: June 2015

World Golf Rankings Based On Who I'd Like To Party With- June 2015Image Via David W. Leindecker /

We’re back, and we’ve got some real surprises here. A lot has changed since the previous rankings were released, but it’s always good to get some new blood in the game just to keep it interesting.

5. Ian Poulter

A photo posted by Ian Poulter (@ianjamespoulter) on

Hear me out. I completely understand that you probably hate Poulter because of his absurd ability to go ham in the Ryder Cup. During Ryder Cup week, I feel the exact same way about him. He’s the most punchable SOB on the Euro squad, and he’s a stone cold killer. But I respect the heel, and there is no greater heel in Europe than Poulter.

More importantly, however, is the fact that Poults lives lavish as fuck.

The lights are coming on the boats in the Marina. The music is playing, sounds and looks like it’s party night.

A photo posted by Ian Poulter (@ianjamespoulter) on

Yacht party? My man clearly lives the #MargLife.

He also occasionally lacks self-awareness, which I respect.

Anyone willing to go in on an airline for pulling some bullshit with his nanny is someone I can have a few ice cold beers with. Holler at your boy, Poults.

4. David Toms


This is on a whole ‘nother level. To the casual golf fan, David Toms is just a name that occasionally pops up on a leaderboard, but to a well seasoned fan, Toms is the ultimate postgrad stud. He attended LSU, home of noted Fort Worth pro John Peterson, so you know he’s got some skins on the wall. Although the PGA Chill Power Rankings have yet to be released, most insiders believe Toms will be near the top. While Toms is a little long in the tooth, I have to believe that he still throws back the occasional scotch-and-water. I imagine that some type of ranch weekend, or just a couple days out at a lease, with Toms would involve Johnnie Walker Blue, cigars, and some solid Les Miles stories. Tiger bait.

3. Ángel Cabrera

Grabs Tiger for photo ops? Yes. Blasts cigs on the course? Yep. Nickname is El Plato, which translates to “The Duck”? You know it. There’s not a whole lot out there on Ángel, probably because he’s Argentinian and speaks very little English, but Ángel has the look of a guy that does things to excess, and that includes boozing. These days, Cabrera can be seen bitching drives down the fairway at all the majors, and ripping heater after heater while he waits to hit his next shot. I bet this dude crushes a nice 2005 Nicasia Vineyard then jumps headfirst into a Ranch Water.

2. Tiger

World Golf Rankings Based On Who I'd Like To Party WithImage via Tony Bowler /

Obvious choice here. We truly all saw this coming, but it took a little while. Tiger is back in the single’s game, and I have a feeling the wrath of Eldrick is about to be unleashed on the Orlando club scene. He’s fresh off a painfully embarrassing performance at the U.S. Open, and if he self-medicates like me, he’s going straight to the bottle. I think I could provide TW with some much-needed positive thinking, as I’m fairly confident I’m one of the few experts out there that think he can still get it back. PLEASE GOD CALL BUTCH TIGER WE FUCKING NEED THIS.

1. Dustin Johnson

Oh, sweet Dustin. You need to get your head right after — after what happened. Look, he’ll be back. He’s an athletic freak who procreated with a Gretzky. That’s all you need to know. Now, it remains to be seen how he’ll rebound from the sketchiest suspension in PGA history. We don’t know for sure if he’ll ever hit the slopes again, but the fact that he used to shred double diamonds tells you a lot about what he’s capable of. Also, this:

He rolls with the entire Gretzky crew. #TeamGreatOne. Even though I’m very much against any modern male that has the audacity to sport a soul patch, I must say that I respect DJ for sticking with it as long as he did. At the end of the day, I just want to be covered in champagne, double-fisting margs on Dustin’s dime, and yelling, “GO DJ, CAUSE THAT MY DJ.” Seems like a reasonable request.

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Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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