Women Of America, Please Start Speaking English


There is an epidemic of biblical proportions in our midst. The very fabric of the space and time continuum hangs in the balance as we are bombarded with the unintelligible gibberish that is abbrevs, acronyms, intentional misspellings, hyperbole, and general bad grammar. Yes, I am talking about the vile language known as “Abbrev.” This language is slowly tearing apart society, and we must stop it before innocent children are exposed to its cunning malevolence.

Like any foreign language, we need to break it down. Examining the language as a whole would result in a 30-page graduate thesis, but to be completely honest, this language doesn’t even deserve 1/30 of that. However, we need to bring American English back to America.

1. Abbreviations: Abbreviations, or “abbrevs,” are the trademark of this language. In isolated situations, like taking notes during a conference call, abbreviations can be useful. However, this language takes it too far. Hell, it even abbreviates the word abbreviate to “abbrev,” as mentioned earlier. I can’t even. At some point in our lives, totally became “totes,” even though in reality totes are bags or big plastic industrial containers. Then awkward became “awk” (Polly want a cracker?). Other abbreviations include “obvs” or “obvi” for obvious, “seri” for serious, “presh” for precious, “cray” for crazy, and “jeal” for jealous. We often hear “ridic,” “hilar,” “perf,” “vom,” “fab,” “adorbs,” and even the most random words out of the blue. Is this just laziness? I mean, using another syllable or two might take an extra few seconds at most. I know it’s truly a hassle to pronounce a full word, and I truly apologize. I didn’t realize you were in such a rush.

2. Acronyms: When “abbrevs” aren’t enough, girls resort to acronyms. Or, I guess they call them “acros.” It’s not just condensing individual words now, but phrases, too: WTF, OMG, IKR, LOL. No. It’s what the fuck? Oh, my God. I know, right? Laughing out loud.

3. Intentional Misspellings: Another blasphemic feature of this female-centered language is the intentional misspelling of words. Instead of sounding cute–is that what they’re even going for?–it’s irritating to anyone with a high school education. Bye is spelled B-Y-E, not “baiiiiii.” The newest intentional misspelling is “serfbort,” which should be “surfboard,” unless this word is a mashup between a feudal peasant from the Middle Ages and a low quality industrial diamond (a “bort”) or the name of the kid from “The Simpsons” Itchy and Scratchy Land episode (Bort). Maybe Bort is a serf? I could go on and on, but my final example is “bebe.” Is this supposed to be “baby,” or is it supposed to be “BB,” like a BB gun?

4. Hyperbole And Sentence Fragments: I’m pairing these together because they often go hand in hand. This language is perfect for girls with a flair for the dramatic, because I’ve never heard so much hyperbole in my life. They say, “I am 100 percent done.” (As opposed to being 50 percent done? Are you a steak? I actually prefer medium rare, to be completely honest.) They also say, “I am literally dying,” “This is the worst ever,” and, of course, “I can’t even.” Wait. You can’t even what? Speak English? Are you physically or mentally incapable of something?.

5. Using A Hashtag Before A Random Word: #No. OMG. I can’t even. Vom. Baiiiii.

As you can see, this gibberish is inexcusable and it NEEDS TO STOP. This is America, and we speak English.

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"Technically, Pablo Escobar was in sales."

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