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Last week, I had a work conference in Boston during which I fell incredibly ill within the first 48 hours. Today, I’m officially on day 10 of getting rid of that same nasty head cold. I pride myself in living a pretty healthy lifestyle and rarely ever get sick. And if/when I do, I can usually kick it within 24-48 hours with enough water and sleep. But this one? Oh no. I didn’t have the chance to quarantine myself, so this one is lingering. It’s the standard progression most head colds adhere to: runny & stuffy nose, fever, clogged ears, and then the dreaded chest cough that’s left over from postnasal drip. Nasty, huh?
This last leg of my sickness refuses to give up, so I can only hope there’s a silver lining. I noticed yesterday that my abs were oddly sore and, I assure you, I have not worked them out within this past week. In fact, I never go to the gym when I’m under the weather because a) it usually slows down any progress for getting better, and b) that’s a major asshole move. I’m not a crazy germaphobe, but please don’t go to the gym when you’re sick because that’s insanely inconsiderate. Most gyms are already pretty gross just as a natural byproduct of, well, being a gym, but I once saw a dude sneeze in his HAND (not in his elbow like you’re supposed to) and continue to use the free weights. Anyway. That’s a soapbox for another day. This is about my abs.
Between the smoke in the air from these California fires and my own mucus hanging around, I’ve been a coughing machine and my abs hurt like hell. Granted, I’m sure whatever muscle I’m working out is something that is rarely visible on the surface. I also realize that soreness doesn’t indicate a better, more effective workout. But this isn’t a column for science; this is a column to give me some peace of mind that this head cold bullshit has a hidden perk. I don’t need all of you fitness gurus telling me that abs are made in the kitchen; I get it. But I’ll take a risk and be overly optimistic about this for shits and giggles. That’s what the internet is for. Hell, let’s make it a new workout trend.
Jillian Michaels, move over. It’s time that we give seasonal sickness its overdue spot in the fitness world.
“Bikini Body by Bronchitis! Ready to get that sexy six pack for Summer 2019? I’m going to give you this offer for not $59.99, but only $19.95 if you order the program within the next fifteen minutes! You can learn all of the secret tips and tricks of how coughing (what you do naturally when you’re sick) can give you the amazing, sexy, rock-hard six pack abs that you’ve always wanted! But wait: order now and you’ll get a bonus edition of ‘Sneeze Squats’ to perk up dat ass when you have the sniffles!”
Absurd? Absolutely. But you never know who’s willing to invest in the wacky shit.
I DID Google “can you get abs from coughing so much” and, full disclosure, I’m embarrassed with myself for even conducting that search because I already knew the answer. Overwhelmingly, the results said, “Nah, girl, not really.” Disheartening? Yep. Shocking? Nope.
Honestly? I’m already in good shape. But, as I’m sure many of you know, you start to get desperate for the bright side of a situation after you’ve been sick for a while. Until I see the comforting prospect at the end of this tunnel, I’ll continue trying to trick myself into thinking I’m getting shredded by doing absolutely nothing. That always ends well… right?.