A couple weeks ago, I decided to do a little bit of fun research to discover what the biggest red flags a person can give off in their dating app profiles are. I reached out to a ton of my old college friends with this question, and recorded their answers. Funnily enough, as it turns out, the males had much more to say than the females. In fact, whereas the ladies just sent me one word answers or short sentences, every single one of my guy friends whom I came to with this question sent me literal paragraphs. I’m talking laundry lists of answers, the reasoning behind it, and bitching about their own shoddy experiences within their dating scene. I was astounded…and on the ground laughing.
Then it came to me. No one ever really talks to the guys about this sort of thing. It’s always us women coming out of the woodwork to talk about the weird shit we find on dating apps, chiming in on our own experiences, and asking for advice. It’s time for a new era.
After receiving multiple requests for Bumble advice via my Snapchat and Twitter DMs, it has become obvious that there needs to be an outlet for these very important questions and concerns. So, here’s the thing: @ me next time.
Enter stage right: Views From The Chicks.
Guys, this is your opportunity to get the low-down on how to outshine the competition on dating apps, navigate your interactions with a female, and much more. Got a weird story you want to hear my take on? Good, cause I’m all ears. Did you hook up with a stage-fiver and now you need to ghost? Let me talk you down from the ledge.
I want to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly. Let me fix your fucked up bios. Give you a “yay” or “nay” on your choice of photos. Help you respond to the chick who messages and just says “Hey” (Spoiler: we don’t respond). I will even try my best to help you talk your way into securing that second date.
Here is just a little taste of some questions I’ve received thus far.
Me and my roommates were sitting around drinking last weekend and scrolling through our Bumbles and something came up that we want to ask you about. My roommate went out with this one girl a couple times and they had a pretty good time. They got drunk last week and wound up having sex, but then she dipped and he hasn’t heard from her again. What’s up with that? She liked him enough to hook up with him but then disappeared. What gives? Thanks in advance”
Hello, darkness, my old friend. Man, I’m sorry to hear about this one. I’ll be honest with you guys here, this girl just wasn’t feeling it as much as your buddy thought she was. Blame it on the alcohol? Everybody thinks that only guys can act like dogs, but please know: us girls are perfectly capable of this, too. This is probably what went down. She kinda liked your friend, had fun on a couple dates, but potentially had an end game called “get laid.” I know, what a shocker. But at least your friend had the sex, right? That’s most likely our answer here, unless the sex got really weird and awkward. I assume if your friend is talking about this with you guys, he wasn’t that embarrassed about the night’s horizontal events. Don’t take it too personally. She probably just wasn’t looking for anything serious and didn’t want that particular Bumble relationship to turn into anything else. There’s also a huge chance she found someone else she liked better (no offense to your boy). The thing about casual dating apps is that you can almost guarantee you’re not the only person this other human is seeing. That’s not to say that it won’t turn into that, but up front it should just be an understood thing. Was it lame that she dipped and you will most likely never hear from her again but potentially awkwardly run into each other at the bar? Absolutely. Is it the end of the world? No. Don’t worry, she will keep watching your Snapchat stories and continue to haunt your life forever. Keep swiping, buddy. Do it for the content. Do it for all of us.
“Hey Taylor. Love your articles, good stuff. I’ve got a question for you. I’ve been seeing two different girls pretty casually for a few weeks, but one of them is trying to make things get a little more serious (let’s call her Girl #2). She keeps hinting at getting exclusive (not Facebook official or anything but you get the idea) and I don’t know how I feel about it. I’ve been having fun with both and I feel like I’m going to get FOMO if I cut things off with the Girl #1 for pretty much no reason. Both are really great and I just don’t really know how to handle the situation with Girl #2 who wants to get me locked down. Any advice?”
Yikes. First off, dude, PLEASE be real with this broad. Like, clearly, your priorities here are with wanting to continue to casually date and NOT be exclusive. You’re giving off that vibe pretty hard. As awkward as it’s going to be, you need to have the “What are we?” conversation, like, A$AP Rocky. It’s only going to get weirder when you tell girl #2 you don’t want to exclusively date her. It’s probably gonna hurt her feelers a bit, but the sooner the better, man. If you don’t bite the bullet soon, Girl #2 is going to either a) find out about Girl #1 and bash your car windows in, or b) start calling you her boyfriend in front of her friends and family and a couple years from now you two will be getting married and you’ll be sweating through your tux in the venue bathroom wondering how you got there. Just kidding, these are very dramatic situations that I doubt ever happen, but you do run the slim risk of them occurring if you don’t shoot straight with this young lady. Communication is key, my friends. Keep it real.
Let’s hear it for the boys.
Slide into my Twitter DMs at @taylor_stovall, or shoot me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org..
Image via Shutterstock