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A couple weeks ago, I decided to do a little bit of fun research to discover what the biggest red flags a person can give off in their dating app profiles are. I reached out to a ton of my old college friends with this question, and recorded their answers. Funnily enough, as it turns out, the males had much more to say than the females. In fact, whereas the ladies just sent me one word answers or short sentences, every single one of my guy friends whom I came to with this question sent me literal paragraphs. I’m talking laundry lists of answers, the reasoning behind it, and bitching about their own shoddy experiences within their dating scene. I was astounded…and on the ground laughing.
Then it came to me. No one ever really talks to the guys about this sort of thing. It’s always us women coming out of the woodwork to talk about the weird shit we find on dating apps, chiming in on our own experiences, and asking for advice. It’s time for a new era.
After receiving multiple requests for Bumble advice via my Snapchat and Twitter DMs, it has become obvious that there needs to be an outlet for these very important questions and concerns. So, here’s the thing: @ me next time.
Enter stage right: Views From The Chicks.
Guys, this is your opportunity to get the low-down on how to outshine the competition on dating apps, navigate your interactions with a female, and much more. Got a weird story you want to hear my take on? Good, cause I’m all ears. Did you hook up with a stage-fiver and now you need to ghost? Let me talk you down from the ledge.
I want to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly. Let me fix your fucked up bios. Give you a “yay” or “nay” on your choice of photos. Help you respond to the chick who messages and just says “Hey” (Spoiler: we don’t respond). I will even try my best to help you talk your way into securing that second date.
Here is just a little taste of some questions I’ve received thus far.
“Dear Taylor,
Me and my roommates were sitting around drinking last weekend and scrolling through our Bumbles and something came up that we want to ask you about. My roommate went out with this one girl a couple times and they had a pretty good time. They got drunk last week and wound up having sex, but then she dipped and he hasn’t heard from her again. What’s up with that? She liked him enough to hook up with him but then disappeared. What gives? Thanks in advance”
Hello, darkness, my old friend. Man, I’m sorry to hear about this one. I’ll be honest with you guys here, this girl just wasn’t feeling it as much as your buddy thought she was. Blame it on the alcohol? Everybody thinks that only guys can act like dogs, but please know: us girls are perfectly capable of this, too. This is probably what went down. She kinda liked your friend, had fun on a couple dates, but potentially had an end game called “get laid.” I know, what a shocker. But at least your friend had the sex, right? That’s most likely our answer here, unless the sex got really weird and awkward. I assume if your friend is talking about this with you guys, he wasn’t that embarrassed about the night’s horizontal events. Don’t take it too personally. She probably just wasn’t looking for anything serious and didn’t want that particular Bumble relationship to turn into anything else. There’s also a huge chance she found someone else she liked better (no offense to your boy). The thing about casual dating apps is that you can almost guarantee you’re not the only person this other human is seeing. That’s not to say that it won’t turn into that, but up front it should just be an understood thing. Was it lame that she dipped and you will most likely never hear from her again but potentially awkwardly run into each other at the bar? Absolutely. Is it the end of the world? No. Don’t worry, she will keep watching your Snapchat stories and continue to haunt your life forever. Keep swiping, buddy. Do it for the content. Do it for all of us.
“Hey Taylor. Love your articles, good stuff. I’ve got a question for you. I’ve been seeing two different girls pretty casually for a few weeks, but one of them is trying to make things get a little more serious (let’s call her Girl #2). She keeps hinting at getting exclusive (not Facebook official or anything but you get the idea) and I don’t know how I feel about it. I’ve been having fun with both and I feel like I’m going to get FOMO if I cut things off with the Girl #1 for pretty much no reason. Both are really great and I just don’t really know how to handle the situation with Girl #2 who wants to get me locked down. Any advice?”
Yikes. First off, dude, PLEASE be real with this broad. Like, clearly, your priorities here are with wanting to continue to casually date and NOT be exclusive. You’re giving off that vibe pretty hard. As awkward as it’s going to be, you need to have the “What are we?” conversation, like, A$AP Rocky. It’s only going to get weirder when you tell girl #2 you don’t want to exclusively date her. It’s probably gonna hurt her feelers a bit, but the sooner the better, man. If you don’t bite the bullet soon, Girl #2 is going to either a) find out about Girl #1 and bash your car windows in, or b) start calling you her boyfriend in front of her friends and family and a couple years from now you two will be getting married and you’ll be sweating through your tux in the venue bathroom wondering how you got there. Just kidding, these are very dramatic situations that I doubt ever happen, but you do run the slim risk of them occurring if you don’t shoot straight with this young lady. Communication is key, my friends. Keep it real.
Let’s hear it for the boys.
Slide into my Twitter DMs at @taylor_stovall, or shoot me an email at taylorstovall@outlook.com..
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You’re the hero we need, not the hero we deserve and I am 100% getting in on this before you change your mind
How do you convince your girl to have a 3 way. Asking for a friend.
You have to be prepared that this may be a long process with delayed gratification. Also, although this has anecdotally worked in the past, this won’t work for every girl (so don’t blame me/don’t let your “friend” blame me if this doesn’t work). Here goes.
The key point/TL;DR Version: make her think it’s her idea.
Step 1: The Building Phase
Get her thinking about “girl-crushes”–getting her talking about her favorite girl celebs. Yes, you’re going to have to put up with a monologue but you can tune out for most of it. Also, if Lena Dunham is the answer, you can stop here because it’s probably not going to happen. This step shouldn’t be too hard.
Equally important–get her talking about the craziest thing she’s done before. If that doesn’t work, ask her about the craziest things her friends have done, or some of the best moments from college etc. Prepare to hear lots of stories. Encourage this by saying stuff like “wow, you’re so much fun, I’m so lucky” etc. Repeat this as necessary. Positive reinforcement is key.
Step 2: The Check-in
Do you have the type of relationship where you talk about your friends and their relationships? Girls like to know things that other people don’t–say something along the lines of not to tell anyone, but one of your buddies had a three-way. Crazy, right? After adequate time in Step 1, use this to gauge her response. Even if she immediately responds “ew, no way, I would never”, make a comment like “X said that his girlfriend Y was surprisingly all about it ” and then don’t say anything else about it. The last part is important–don’t push for it, just get her thinking about it.
Step 3: The Change-up/Communication Time
Where are you in your relationship? If you’re new in a relationship, keep the fresh, trying new things/figuring out what each of you like momentum going. If you’ve been together for a while, use caution when saying this but find some way to bring up changing things up in the bedroom in general (I know, easier said than done but I have faith in you). There are a bunch of different quizzes to explore what types of sex both of you are interested in (http://mojoupgrade.com is a big one). There’s an option for a threesome there. Be sure to click it. See if she also chooses it. This step will almost definitely go much better when lots of alcohol is involved.
Step 4: The Grand Finale
At this point, you’ve laid the groundwork, you’ve communicated to her that you’re interested in a three-way both indirectly (see Steps 1 and 2) and directly. Assuming she hasn’t totally shot down the idea yet, it’s all about timing (and finding another girl) now. Two options. 1) Go to a bar and get drunk and find a random girl. Do NOT pick a friend or someone you know–that does not bode well for any parties involved even if it seems easier at the time. 2) Tinder. This really doesn’t need an explanation, but the quantity of options, anonymity, and online rejection being easier than in person are pros. Cons are STDs and potential serial killers, so be careful.
Step 5: Come back and tell us all about it (even if it didn’t work)
See title.
Good luck!
This is actually a very well thought out and practical approach that I see being successful to at least get women to seriously consider it. Nice.
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To be fair, that girl from the first story could have huge mental issues and have a life threatening STD (rhymes with SIV) and the only way to make herself feel better about her situation is to sleep with as many dudes as she can for temporary relief but she’s also twisted because she spreads her carnage everywhere she goes but in a dark way it makes her feel whole because she’ll always be remembered by everyone she encounters.