No, you don’t have to become an asshole to get women to be interested in you. You just have to learn what the assholes are doing right. I’m going to break down for you the seven most common reasons women date assholes. Some of them might be helpful for you, others are just sad. Some of this might be a little harsh, but I think it’s an important message for every nice guy, every woman and every asshole. I know a lot of nice guys who get traded in for assholes. I myself have been guilty of making that mistake more than once. You live, you learn. Here’s what I’ve learned.
1. Assholes aren’t boring.
No woman dreams and fantasizes about a man who says “meh” to life. We go for guys who sweep us off our feet. Guys who are passionate about something are attractive. We fantasize about men who are driven, and confident, and go after what they want. So find something to be passionate about, even if it’s Star Wars. The right girl will be into the same stuff you are, or at least find you more interesting because you have a passion.
2. Assholes are confident.
Everyone, not just women, is attracted to confident people. Assholes tend to be confident, but women sometimes fail to recognize that these men have nothing to be confident about. They haven’t accomplished anything to cause them to swell with personal pride other than the fact that they were born with good cheekbones and the ability to maintain a six-pack. Some don’t even have that. Some men are just cocky assholes with absolutely nothing to back it up. Don’t be that guy. Everyone hates that guy. And girls, don’t date that guy. If he’s not actually awesome, you don’t have to pretend he is. “I’m a good guy, I’m just not that confident,” you say? Well, let me ask you this; what do you have to be confident about? If you can’t think of anything off the top of your head, like “successful, hardworking, interesting, passionate or intelligent,” then you, my friend, need to do better at life. Find something you love and throw yourself into it. Cultivate new friendships. Volunteer. Finish something you started but lost interest in. Work hard. Go to school. Just do something. Which leads us to number three…
3. Assholes have big dreams.
Think about the biggest asshole you know. He’s probably a passionate, imaginative dreamer. People in general are attracted to other people who have big dreams. The thing here that women need to remember is follow through. Check to see if the guy you like has turned any of those dreams into reality. I know my value, and I know that I have something to offer, so I am not attracted to other people who have nothing to offer. I’m not talking about money here. If you work at a gas station, but are heavily involved in a volunteer program in your community, I would date you. If you were broke, but brave enough to quit your job to spend a year pursuing your passion, I would date you. If you are funny, really hilarious, and look like Chewbacca, I would probably still date you. Actually, just referencing Chewbacca in conversation will always get you a second look from me. Assholes have figured this out, and capitalized on having something to offer, because, let’s be honest, it’s fun to be around someone who is charismatic and passionate about life.
4. Assholes are brave.
No woman is attracted to a man that doesn’t even have the balls to ask her out. If you are afraid to speak to me, on a caveman level, I automatically think you suck at life. Maybe – just maybe – these asshole guys are the only guys to ever have the balls to walk up to beautiful women and ask them out. And maybe, since these are the only men approaching us, some women start to think these are the only men we deserve. Maybe the nice guys could quit complaining about being benched if they grew some balls and approached more women. Most of the nice guys my age are so terrified of rejection that they simply don’t talk to a woman unless a woman approaches them, and they have been doing this for so long that the assholes have now squeezed the good guys out of the game entirely. On the rare occasion that a genuinely nice guy approaches me, I already have my asshole-meter on high alert just because he’s talking to me. How sad is that? It’s not going to get ANY better until nice guys, worldwide, bind together and start talking to the women they are interested in. Yes, you will get shot down. But really how terrible is it to not be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t like you? If you are that guy waiting for women to talk to you, you are not yet a real man. If you were a man, you would talk to women and be confident. So the next time you’re at home on a Friday night boo-hoo’ing because all the girls you like are on dates with assholes, ask yourself if you even actually tried that week.
5. Assholes are selfish.
Assholes usually only do what they want to do when they want to do it. When an asshole asks a woman out, he almost always offers a suggestion of what they might do on their first date. How many times have you made plans with a woman and told her “I don’t care what we do. You pick.” Gentlemen, seriously, I don’t know a single woman that likes this. If you really want to wow someone take some initiative and make plans yourself. At least during the beginning of the relationship. If I really liked you, I’d come to your house to sit on your couch and watch bad TV. I don’t care what we do, but leaving the pressure of making plans completely up to the woman is a cop-out. Most women prefer to be with someone who is considerate of their interests but also has enough gumption to make a decision.
Now you understand a little better why women are attracted to assholes and what you can learn from them to improve your game. I have to warn you. Some women just have issues. And sometimes, no matter how kind, interesting, brave and passionate you are, the girl you love will still want to be with an asshole. The following are my only guesses at why that happens.
6. Some women want a man to treat her with the same amount of respect she has for herself, which in some cases, is NONE.
No one can fix this problem for her. She has to learn to love herself.
7. A LOT of women have daddy issues.
These days, very few women grew up with loving, involved and amazing fathers in their lives. So, when we find a man who reminds us consciously or subconsciously of our fathers, we see it not only as a challenge, but we think if we can get this asshole to treat us differently than our asshole father treated us, all the hurt that he caused us will disappear and we will be totally redeemed. Of course this isn’t true, or possible. We aren’t aware we are chasing assholes for this reason until we get older and into counseling (and some of us just never learn).
*Side note to ladies: No, you can’t fix him. No amount of love will change who he is. He has to change because HE wants to – and remember, actions ALWAYS speak louder than words. Generally, it takes men losing something really important to make them realize they have to change. So, if your man is an asshole and you hang around because you hope he’s going to change, you’re probably in for a big disappointment. Don’t waste your life. You are worth so much more. There are a lot of good guys out there waiting to meet and love someone just like you.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of assholes – I shall fear no evil.”