Why Men Should Care About Valentine’s Day


I understand that Valentine’s Day is a total scam. I hate the idea of it, but that directly contradicts with my love of gifts and attention. It’s a tough life. However, there is a reason men should care about Valentine’s Day, and that is because of the day that falls exactly one month later. March 14. Men who feel they need revenge for the stress put on them by Valentine’s Day have forever ruined the once wonderful Pi Day. I’m talking about Steak and Blowjob Day, the worst day of the year.

I’d heard rumors of this tragic day, but until last year, my husband seemed unaware. Last year, however, my “friend” brought it up “unknowingly” on March 13. When we found out the date, he looked as if he’d won the lottery. However, when I reminded him he didn’t do a thing for Valentine’s Day, and therefore I was not obliged to participate, it was like taking candy from a baby. There may have even been a tear. In the end I felt bad for him, but set out specific guidelines for the next year.

Tier 5

Valentine’s Day: Card Picked Up On The Way Home

S&BJD: This is a poor effort. Couldn’t he have slipped your favorite chocolate bar in there? You can buy both at the same store. For this effort he gets a small steak, cooked on the stove, well done. No sauce. No steak rub. You should wear sweatpants. Don’t wash your hair, and only give it a quick lick in the dark. Don’t let him finish. Additional attention can be paid, but only if he writes an essay about your awesomeness in the card.

Tier 4

Valentine’s Day: Flowers And Chocolates

S&BJD: While this is a good start, he should know that he needs to work on it for next year. Cook a rump steak on the barbecue and offer up a mushroom sauce. Medium. The beej should be sufficient but not mind blowing. Try and not let him finish in your mouth, though be careful. You may end up halfway to an angry pirate. Extra effort can be made if the chocolates and flowers are expensive, but you should take into consideration the lack of effort required for this. Blow accordingly.

Tier 3

Valentine’s Day: All Of The Above Plus A Nice Dinner Out (Nice Jewelry Or An Expensive Gift Is Equivalent)

S&BJD: This is a solid effort, and likely beats 90 percent of what other men do. As a woman, I find that organizing a nice dinner is as simple as reading a few online reviews and making phone call. To the lesser sex, this causes stress and anxiety. Accept that, and be impressed by what he’s achieved.

You should purchase a ribeye steak and cook it how he likes it on the barbecue. There should be sauce and seasoning if he wants. You should look presentable, and ensure you have a satisfied customer. This is the sort of gift you’d be happy to receive every year, so make sure he knows you are impressed.

Tier 2

Valentine’s Day: A Surprise Trip

S&BJD: Ladies, if your lover has pulled out all the stops and organized a surprise trip away, you’ve won the lottery. The boy needs repaying in all sorts of ways.

He deserves the finest filet your local grocery store has to offer, cooked just the way he likes it. The steak should be seasoned to perfection, and served with his favorite steak sauce. You should make an effort and look perfect. He can watch sports while you’re working if he requests it. It’s important to reward good behavior in order to encourage it–like one of Pavlov’s dogs, but with a penis in your mouth.

Tier 1

Valentine’s Day: An Engagement Ring

S&BJD: While I’m sure you are a little upset about the tackiness of the chosen date, you can celebrate! He’s already proposed; you can choose not to put your face near that thing ever again.

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Emily is living an expat life, and making questionable financial decisions that won't allow her to retire at 40. Sometimes succeeding at adult life and waiting to grow out of the "being a huge bitch" stage.

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