Why It’s Easier To Get With Your High School Crush Now Than It Ever Has Been


Remember Ashley Wilson, the hottest girl in your high school class? She was the prom queen, the cheer captain, and she wouldn’t give you the fucking time of day in high school. Well, guess what? Now you two are in the same boat: graduation. It’s the great equalizer.

According to recent studies, 36 percent of adults who are 18 to 31 live at home with their parents. This means, just like you, a good number of your former classmates are back in their childhood homes–your best friend, that kid who crapped his pants on the field trip in eighth grade, and yes, your high school crush. Remember him or her, the girl or guy you stared at during chemistry every single day? Maybe that’s why you got a two on the AP exam. Anyway, what are you waiting for? Now’s your chance! Here are some of the reasons why it’s easier now, more than ever, to get with your high school crush.

Cliques Are Dead

“Mean Girls” summed it up best. In high school, social groups are like the animal kingdom, and those at the top reign supreme over the rest of the pack. Now, even if your high school didn’t have the Cool Asians, the Unfriendly Black Hotties, or the Sexually Active Band Geeks, there is definitely a separation from the former social circles. In high school, we thought those were bonds that could never be crossed. Why? Because it was high school, and most of the shit people cared about was petty and really didn’t matter.

People went to college, they studied abroad, they volunteered in Africa for two weeks, they partied with the next Mark Zuckerberg, and they became more well-rounded, learned individuals. Yes, they might still hang out with similar people, but the lines drawn between you and them are gone. You couldn’t even walk up to their lunch tables in high school, but now they’re right next to you at the bar. I also might add that buying your high school crush a drink is a lot smoother than offering him or her your snack pack.

Your Personal Appearance Is On Point

Let’s face it. High school is an awkward time in everyone’s life. Your body is still changing, you have hair growing everywhere, zits keep popping up no matter what (thanks a lot, Proactive) and to put it lightly, you dress like shit. Even the best looking people from high school are better looking now.

At this point in your life, you’ve figured yourself out pretty well. You take care of yourself. You shave, you wax, you groom, and you actually shower at least once a day. The fact is, you actually care about your appearance. Not to mention, by now you’ve been away from home for so long that you’re actually shopping for yourself and figuring out what stores, brands, and fits you like and look good on you. You’re comfortable in your own skin and you’re confident–and that looks even better on you. This confidence does not go unnoticed.

Alcohol Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

Let’s not ignore the fact that high school parties involve alcohol. Whether somebody’s older brother buys it or you steal it from your parent’s liquor cabinet, you take whatever you can get your hands on. However, high schoolers are amateur, lightweight drinkers.

During your time in college, you refined your palette, you figured out your drink of choice, and you learned that tequila is never a pregame drink (Ohio State: 1 thephilberg: 0). You can handle your liquor now, and you know the night isn’t going to end up with you throwing up on your crush. Most importantly, it’s no secret that alcohol loosens you up and that after four vodka Red Bulls, your crush will look at you in a whole different light.

Why Not?

This one is pretty self-explanatory. There are no rules once you leave high school, nobody that anybody has to impress, and no people who are going to look down on you for the things you do. By now, your crush can choose whatever he or she wants on his or her own. Your crush doesn’t need to approval of others. So why the fuck not?

If I haven’t convinced you by now, then I don’t know what more I can say. This is your time, and it’s up to you to make it happen. Put on your big boy (or girl) pants and seal the deal–Ashley isn’t going to wait forever.

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Straight out of the womb, Phil Rosenberg knew he was destined for greatness. Born on a small island off the coast of New York. Phil was raised on Judd Apatow, Mel Brooks, John Hughes, and Dan Schneider, creating the man-child super-jew he is today.

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