Why Going To The Gym Is Like Going To The Dentist

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I hate the dentist. And I hate the gym. Of course there are so many similarities between the two. Of. Freaking. Course.

1. I’m required to give out a lot of personal and seemingly unnecessary information. My height, weight, social security number, billing information, photo ID…Jesus, what am I doing, making a fake passport again?*
2. I hate them both with a passion that should be reserved for Hitler, Judas, and bicyclists.
3. People always want to make small talk with me. Like, stop bothering me! I’m here on a very clear mission.
4. At some point another, I will drool, and an attractive man will watch it happen.
5. It hurts like a mother.
6. I may or may not cry.
7. Scratch that. I’m definitely going to cry.
8. Fluorescent lighting. My eyes. MY EYES. And also my pores. They don’t look good in bad lighting.
9. So many scary looking instruments!
10. I’m going to lie around for a good amount of time.
11. At one point or another I will be very confused about what to do with my hands.
12. I want to be any place other than where I happen to be.
13. TVs will try to distract me from my own personal hell, but I won’t give into temptation. I’m a big fan of self-inflicted suffering.
14. I’ll frequently use words like “traumatic,” “stressful,” and “unpleasant.”
15. An overweight woman named Debbie will try to make me feel better. She’ll only moderately help.
16. I’ll somehow be convinced to sign up for or purchase something I in no way need.
17. My magazine choices are Newsweek, Self, and Redbook. Where. Are. The. Cosmos?
18. I’ll be sore afterwards. There’s no way around it.
19. Someone will ask me when I was last there and I will lie. I will straight up lie.
20. Any children near me will not be appreciated.
21. I will be anxious. Period.
22. EVERYONE STOP LOOKING AT ME.
23. Something is going to trip me up. Both mentally and physically.
24. I’ll pray to every age of Jesus to make it end.
25. Eating within 30 minutes of leaving is prohibited.
26. Someone will offer me water to make things better, but it won’t make things better.
27. I’ll swear I’m never going back. But, like, I’ll obviously go back because #health. Or whatever.

*Writer’s note: NSA, I was totally kidding. I haven’t made a fake ID in years. Also, I’m very interested in attending the White House Christmas Tree Lighting.

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Catie Warren

Catie struggles with adulthood and has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with PGP, Catie was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email: catie@grandex.co

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