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1. Everyone is better looking. Whether it’s the beer goggles or the fact that neither party is sober enough to find the light switch, everybody just seems hotter.
2. It’s way more difficult to be a bad kisser when both people are drunk. It at least feels like you’re in sync with this random person you just did back to back Vegas bombs with, even if in reality it’s a sloppy disaster.
3. Negative fucks are given. I lost an earring, spilled two drinks on my own jeans, and ripped my shirt, but none of these things will be of consequence until morning.
4. Questions are unnecessary. At this point, I don’t care if you’re the law student you originally claimed to be or a tatted-up auto mechanic who rolled in from across the street. You’re the only other person in the bar currently as fucked up as I am, and that makes you my new best friend.
5. Blacking out is still a thing. If something happens that you’re not yet willing to admit to your friends, you can still use the “I was blackout” excuse upon questioning. It’s still a viable option at 23, because nobody else really knows if you singlehandedly drank two glasses or two bottles.
6. Hooking up with someone out of your league in either direction is acceptable. I’m a seven and I hooked up with a three? Oh well, I was wasted. Shit happens. I’m a four and I hooked up with a nine? Score! Drunk me obviously has mad game.
7. You can snag your crush. Oftentimes it takes some liquid courage to go after that person you’ve been eye fucking for the last three months, whether he’s your bartender, your barista, or your boxing instructor. Cue the internal monologue: “Ahhh, I can’t believe this is actually happening!!”
8. You are allowed to pretend that nothing happened. Whether he’s a coworker, a friend, or that weird guy who you know has a crush on you, being intoxicated gives you a “get out of jail free” card for explanations. However, it is not accompanied by a “get out of jail free” card for being an asshole. Food for thought.
9. Your drunk alter ego is probably way more honest than your sober self. Everybody has that one person he or she only desires when highly intoxicated, and there’s no shame in that. The heart wants what the heart wants, and the skank that is you post six whiskey gingers is going to get exactly what she is after–the fact that he may be a skinny drug dealer with a Jew ‘fro is of no consequence.
10. You get to pretend, at least for one night, that you are still in college. Just because you’re not in college anymore doesn’t mean you can’t get away with throwing caution and standards to the wind every once in awhile.
Respond
Lyla Garrity
After dumping her high school beau, Tim Riggins, Lyla transferred from Vanderbilt to the most expensive university in Texas and recently graduated only to conclude she is too pretty to spend the next four years slaving away in medical school. With a now worthless Biology degree she’ll be attending business school starting this fall. Her pastimes include cheerleading, brunching, and frequenting pretentious Dallas bars on the weekends.
Drunk hook ups are rape now. You didn’t hear?