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Just when you thought there couldn’t possibly be any more advances in social media and dating–let’s be honest, the dating game did a complete 180 after Tinder–a new app was released that will significantly change the way relationships work. Now we, as women, get to worry not only about whether or not the cutie from last Friday’s happy hour is going to text us, but we also get to worry about whether or not that message is coming from a living human being.
Download BroApp (for a mere $1.99) and you can program your phone to send thoughtful, charming and attentive messages to your girlfriend while you’re out with the boys throwing back shots. No need to pick up your phone–just program the app to send the texts for you. I mean, you already have your hands full warding off all those babes, anyway. This app actually allows your phone to have a conversation with your girlfriend for you. In addition to sending messages, the app also recognizes when you’re using your girlfriend’s Wi-Fi and when you’re actually texting in real time; it cancels any scheduled messages then. As if this wasn’t enough, the app also features a privacy setting to deter any curious girlfriends. When trying to pull up the app, your girlfriend is presented with a false list of presents you plan to buy her. (“OMG. He’s so sweet. I’m the luckiest girl, ever!”)
If you’re actually going to download this app, that means your intentions are good enough to want to keep your gal(s) happy. You know she gets a little cranky when you’re not texting her every 10 minutes, and the last thing you want to do is upset her–especially not before your midweek dinner date that’s always followed by a quick romp. Good for you, sir. There’s still hope for you. Maybe.
Oh sweet Jesus, the cons. We’re going to assume that you’ll only use the app to text just one girl: either the girl you’re steadily involved with, or at least sleeping with on a consistent basis. (What?! Why would anyone ever use such a blessed app to program multiple messages to multiple women?) By downloading the app, you’ve literally just admitted to yourself that genuine conversation and interaction with your lady friend are so unimportant to you that you will actually allow a phone to do it for you. Congratulations, you might as well be in a relationship with your operating software. (Slow your roll, Joaquin, that’s creepy.) Not only have you disgraced all that relationships are and used to be, but what, pray tell, happens when your beloved BroApp isn’t capable of realizing that you and your lady are using the same Wi-Fi at happy hour on Thursday nights? Nothing will blow your cover quicker than a “Wish you were here, babe” text when you’re sitting across from one another. Pop Quiz! Which is worse: admitting you’re using an app to schedule your texts to her because you’re “too busy” to spend 45 seconds on her, or letting her assume you’re texting another girl while you’re with her? Better get your story straight real quick, son.
For my ladies, it’s quite simple. Let your boy go to the bar, the basketball game, even that 11:00 a.m. tee time. It allows you both time to be your own people and maintain your relationships outside the one you’re in. While you’re at it, refrain from blowing up his phone while he’s out, save for an actual emergency. (To clarify, Lizzie getting caught stealing your makeup doesn’t count. Neither does your incessant need for attention). And let’s cool it on the phone snooping, can we? Nothing says “I’m an emotionally healthy individual” like snooping through his iPhone every second you get. If you have to snoop, why are you even with him? Simply put, if your man downloaded this app, run. Find yourself a man who cares enough to send you messages he creates in the heat of the moment.
For the gentlemen, try dating a girl you actually want to talk to. You know, like picking up your phone and typing a message in real time to her, rather than scheduling your messages to her like businesses schedule their tweets? (If I was the creator of HootSuite, I’d be pissed.) Another gem for you: find a girl who understands the concept of personal space. I’m sure she would like a night with the girls as much as you value your bromances. If a girl is going through your phone, you’re either giving her reason to or you’ve found yourself a stone cold psycho. Stop being shady and find a normal girl. We exist, I promise.
So thanks a lot, BroApp. I now have to ask potential suitors if their texts are, in fact, sent to me in real time. Because that doesn’t sound crazy.