Why Avoiding A Relationship Is The Best Plan Right Now


I love the ladies. I’ve been a huge fan of the fairer sex for years. That being said, I’m just not ready for a girlfriend. Now that I’m at the age where a lot of my friends are starting to settle down, I’ve come to the realization that I’m nowhere near prepared to follow suit. Honestly, having a girlfriend at this point in my life wouldn’t be that bad. In fact, there are probably one or two advantages to it. However, the cons outweigh the pros here. The bottom line is that I’m just not ready for a girlfriend.

I Still Act Like I Did In College

Yeah, I have a job, bills, and some other shitty grownup stuff to deal with, but for the most part, the way I live hasn’t changed since graduation. I like getting drunker than I should more often than I should. Actually, I love it. I’d consider it one of my favorite pastimes. That’s not all, though. I eat like shit, lay around not really doing much of anything, and get into some pretty heated rounds of Madden or Drunk Mario Kart with my friends. Essentially, everything I do is not conducive to having a girlfriend.

My Living Situation Isn’t Girlfriend Friendly

I’m going to be straightforward here. I’m a slob. I live in squalor. Just plain filth. I’m fine with it. Actually, I’m uncomfortable when everything is neat and orderly. It’s like I have the opposite of OCD or something. My kitchen is what some people might describe as “unsanitary.” My bathroom isn’t anything to write home to mom about either. My house is decorated like your average college town dive bar. I have a bra hanging from the antlers of the 8-point buck mounted above my TV simply because I woke up to it being there eight months ago and never got around to taking it down, let alone finding out who it belongs to. There’s no way I could have a girl hanging around the place regularly, especially if she’s the type to try to make me clean up around the house.

All My Friends With Girlfriends Seem Miserable

One of my least favorite things about work is that I’m constantly being told what to do. The last thing I need is having to deal with that after close of business. All my buddies with girlfriends are constantly bitching about being told what to do, being bossed around, and essentially just being treated like a child. I’m not down with that. It’s just not how I operate. See, I’m an American. I take things like freedom and liberty seriously. At least that’s the excuse I’m using this week, anyway. Seriously though, I’ve heard my friends complaining about things like having to miss a big game to go shopping, seeing chick flicks instead of Lone Survivor or Anchorman 2. Sad stuff, guys. Downright disgusting.

There Are Too Many Fish In The Sea

Not to sound like a huge douche, but I’m just not ready to tie myself down to one girl. I’m not going to sit here and tell you I’m a huge ladies’ man or something, but I like to have a good time. There are so many girls out there, and I can’t see a reason to choose just one. It’s just like investing. You have to diversify. Plus, biologically speaking, a man at my age needs to spread his seed. It’s science.

It’s Not In The Budget

I like to think I’m doing pretty well for myself, but that’s the thing. I’m doing well for myself, not for someone else. I’ve got some expensive hobbies, like drinking, that I’m not willing to give up just yet. Dates? Screw that. My money is better spent on bar tabs, steaks, and power tools. If it ever came to making a decision between spending the weekend hunting with my college roommate or going shopping with the lady friend, you better believe I’d be in the tree stand, not the boutique downtown.

I Don’t Want One

Too many people rush into relationships these days because they think it’s expected of them. Well, I’m here to tell you that’s a load of crap. If you don’t want a relationship, don’t enter one. I, like many of you, simply don’t want a girlfriend right now. It’s just not in the cards. I’ve got bigger things on my plate at the moment, and the last thing I need is another human being that I have to care about. I know that sounds selfish, but it’s just me being honest. I want to keep drinking beer, playing video games, living like a slob, and enjoying all that the Dollar Menu has to offer. Is that such a crime?

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John Blutarsky

John Blutarsky is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Post Grad Problems, and on an unrelated note, a huge fan of buffets. While by no means an athletic man, he was the four-square champion of his elementary school in 1997. When not writing poorly organized columns or cracking stupid, inappropriate jokes on Twitter, Bluto pretends to be well-read, tries to figure out how helicopters work, and actually has a real job.

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