Why America Would Win The Sex Olympics


At the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia, it’s been said that there have been somewhere around 100,000 condoms passed out to the 2,871 Olympians competing. Math is not my forté, but according to the calculator on my iPhone, 100,000 divided by 2,871 is 34 condoms per athlete. Thirty-four condoms. Two weeks. Olympic Village? Try sex den…and a threesome.

In the spirit of the Olympics (and America) I can only hope the world’s finest athletes bring their talents to the bedroom for a giant international orgy-sesh where people compete for gold, silver, and bronze while someone YouTubes each nation’s national anthem. So how would our great nation stand this test of endurance?

According to this article that used research from a Durex survey in 2008, making it SUPER trustworthy, the author lists nine countries that are more likely to bring home the sexual gold than our great US of A.

9. Mexico
8. Switzerland
7. Spain
6. Malaysia
5. Italy
4. China
3. Russia
2. Brazil
1. Greece

But, nine? LOL, no. At the Olympics, we go top three. So beside the fact that ever-so-peaceful Switzerland placed higher on this list, let’s go through and debunk every reason as to why these countries are better at banging than America. (SPOILER ALERT: America wins.)

#3: Russia


Why They’re “Better”: They’re always drunk. Sure, if I drank as much vodka as the Russians, I’d probably do anything with legs, too. Plus, their bars are known for getting all the ladies aroused with male strippers before opening the starting gates for the Russian stallions.

Why They’re Not: Two words. “Whiskey dick.” The Russians must choose between a good time in the bar or a good time in the sack. Plus, if someone offered me Russian vodka or a Russian man, I’d probably choose the vodka. Sorry, guys.

Where They Medal: Bronze for you, Russia.

#2: Brazil


Why They’re “Better”: This is the country that gave us the thong, the Brazilian wax, Carnival (Mardi Gras on steroids), and Victoria’s Secret angels Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrosio, and Izabel Goulart. I see you, Brazil. Good game…

Why They’re Not: In Brazil, prostitution is legal. But, before you try to get your passport renewed, you may want to take a moment to think about what souvenirs you’d be coming home with. Sex is temporary, but herpes is forever.

Where They Medal: Silver.

#1: Greece


Why They’re “Better”: They brought to the world Sapphic love. Don’t know what that means? Ill give you a hint: it doesn’t involve men.

Why They’re Not: The ancient Greeks not only gave us Sapphic love, but they also brought to the world pederasty. I’ll let you look that up, mainly because I’m not sure I can write about it without ending up registered as a sex offender.

Where They Medal: Bronze.

The United States of America


Why We’re Better: Land of the free, home of the brave. Free porn and the brave souls who perform that shit for our entertainment. And, quite frankly, I’ve never heard of another country being quite as patriotic during intercourse. I mean, really, you show me someone who chants, “España! España!” during climax and I will show you a liar.

Why We’re Not: Okay, so we sexually glorify eating disorders and Miley Cyrus. Everyone has faults, and those just happen to be ours.

Where We Medal: Gold. Celebrate accordingly.

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My state gave you J. Law, Clooney, two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys, and multiple fifths of bourbon. I gave you a cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics. Psuedo-adult by day; PGP, TFM, and TSM contributor by night. Please don't ask me to do math.

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