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If you’ve been reading me for a while, you know I pretty much like two things more than life itself: writing about The Bachelor, and
fantasizing about having sex with Tom Brady gambling. Welp, we’re in the midst of a golden age for both. We seamlessly transitioned from The Bachelorette to Bachelor in Paradise, and football season is right on the horizon, and I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to give my bookie so much money he’s going to be able to take himself to Mykonos for a month.
So, since there hasn’t yet been a decision on who will be the next Bachelor, in the spirit of The Bachelor and gambling, I’m going to handicap the choices. For those of you boring souls who haven’t fallen victim to the siren’s song of gambling, the odds work like this:
Anything with a (+) next to it means that the pick is an underdog; +500 means if you bet $100, you’d win $500. Anything with a (-) next to it means they’re favored in the outcome; -150 means you’d need to bet $150 just to win $100. Got it? Good.
PETER KRAUS: -150
Everyone. Loves. Peter. The dude is #perfect. He’s sexy AF, thoughtful, articulate, and seems to be an all-around good guy. He’d be the heavy favorite had he not made it known that he, in fact, does NOT #trusttheprocess. And by that, I mean he’s normal in that he isn’t for proposing after eight weeks. And Rachel doubled down on this during the finale and said he needs more time than the show provides to develop serious relationships. Which, again, is totes normal. I still have him as a slight favorite for the moment though because ABC knows his season would be a hit.
ERIC BIGGER: +150
The third place finisher of the previous season is always in a prime spot to get the leading role in the upcoming season, which would put Eric in the driver’s seat. And, despite the shit we give him about his name being in our mouths, he’s a legit dude with a great chance. He’s got the compelling backstory of growing up in the rough and tumble streets of Baltimore, he’s got the looks, he’s got the swagger. Questions still loom. Dude’s got like zero past relationship history which is a huge question mark. And, not to play the race thing, but is ABC progressive enough for back to back black Bachelor(ette) leads?
DEAN UNGLERT: +300
Okay, so I’ve been traveling for work and haven’t had a chance to watch Paradise yet so nobody spoil what happens between Dean and my future ex-wife Kristina. But if it’s as hot on camera as it is in my head, give me a heads up so I can stock up on Gun Oil. Anyway, Dean as The Bachelor could single-handedly end the California draught. He’s young though, and if I was hotter than a North Korean nuclear warhead, there’s no way I’d go on a show looking for a fiancée at 26. My guess is Dean’s got the same sentiment, seeing as how he decided to go to Mexico to try and schtup the future recipient of my alimony checks, Kristina.
KENNY LAYNE: +500
AKA Kenny King, AKA The Pretty Boy Pit Bull. Dude has charisma. Stage presence like you write about. Charm like the pros do it. Mega-watt smile. Mega-watt personality. Dude’s made for the silver screen. But…BUT, the fact that he basically left the show because he missed his adorable daughter too much might give him reservations about leading his own season. I’d personally love to see Kenny, but it’s a long shot.
ALEX BORDYUKOV: +750
Alex was crazy over-shadowed on Rachel’s season, but according to her, he’s who should be the next Bachelor. Per Variety:
“Last week after the finale, Lindsay gave her opinion on who should be the next Bachelor. “I actually think Alex should be the next Bachelor,” she said, referring to the contestant on her season who she sent home during week six. “I don’t think you got to see enough of him…He’s funny, quirky, handsome,” and “a serial monogamist.”
Alex is good looking, albeit a bit of a weirdo. If Rachel thinks he’d be good, then he’d be good. But he problem is he was such a minor character in her season, I feel like ABC just won’t have enough to build a compelling story around him.
ADRIAN GRENIER: +10000
Listen, let’s call a spade a spade here. Vinny Chase was not a great actor and, to be honest, that’s what made him perfect in Entourage. But he’s done nothing since, except manage bands, open shitty bars that didn’t let me in last weekend because I was wearing shorts (fire Lulu shorts, bee tee dubs). But we’ve all watched him be fawned over by women on HBO. Why not bring it to reality TV? I think he’d crush it. Plus, couple cameos from Drama and Turtle? I’d watch.
LARRY DAVID: +15000
Is Larry on the market? I don’t know and I’m too lazy to look, but the fact is that him as The Bachelor would be, without a doubt, the funniest season of TV, reality or otherwise. Every single conversation has the potential for TV gold Jerry gold. I can’t believe this hasn’t happened yet. ABC needs to pay him whatever he wants to do this. Hell, I’d watch this on Pay Per View.
DILLON CHEVERERERERERE: +25000
The man they call Dorn would be a reallll solid choice. Smooth voice, great jawline, electric dabs all over the place. Compelling story when you mix in Toucher Nation, The Homie, and the fact that the dude lives in The Cut. His quest for love would be a nice parallel for his former (and successful) quest for the elusive (I use that term loosely) Blue Checkmark.
THE MOOCH: +30000
Anthony Scaramucci is now single and jobless. What a perfect candidate for the show. Plus the guy’s got catchphrases bursting out of his miniature frame.
You haven’t seen energy on The Bachelor until you’ve seen me. Take the energy of Whaboom, the animation of Costanza, the electricity of an auctioneer, and the loud voice with a semi-real Boston accent of that asshole you can’t stand sitting near in a restaurant, and you’ve basically got me. Now, despite the fact that I did indeed describe a caricature, I’ve also got a sweet and romantic side. Add in a little vulnerability and bingo bango bongo. Perfect combo for the show.
Only reason it won’t be me? I’m too short. .