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Enough with all these hometown dick measuring contests. What America really needs is a Hunger Games style competition, in which a child from the country’s worst cities are chosen as sacrificial tributes. This begs several questions. If such a tournament were held, whose lack of redeemable qualities would attract the most sponsors? Which city’s tribute would benefit from the best survival skills? Is this all an elaborate ruse to distract you idiots from my own hometown of Detroit‘s awfulness?
Happy Unemployment Games, and may the odds be ever in your favor.
District 1: Detroit, MI
Weapon Of Choice: Vehicular homicide.
Survival Skills: Unparalleled knack for bribery should go a long way in winning over friends.
Sponsor Takeaway: Even being born and bred to win the Unemployment Games isn’t enough to get anyone to invest in the Motor City.
District 2: Cleveland, OH
Weapon Of Choice: Choking.
Survival Skills: Browns, Cavs, and Wahoos have left residents completely numb to heartbreak.
Sponsor Takeaway: “Winning” is simply not in The Mistake on the Lake’s vocabulary, even in a contest to determine America’s biggest loser.
District 3: Jacksonville, FL
Weapon Of Choice: Jorts are a surefire way to blind the competition.
Survival Skills: Being accustomed to getting lost in better cities’ shadows should pay off camouflage-wise pre-nightfall.
Sponsor Takeaway: Don’t sleep on the worst Super Bowl host in history taking home the ‘ship, no matter how boring it is.
District 4: Seaside Heights, NJ
Weapon Of Choice: Fist pumping until your knuckles are covered in brain matter.
Survival Skills: Horrible accent will be costly when trying to keep quiet.
Sponsor Takeaway: Much like Snooki, will be a popular pick early on, before people stop rooting for the Jersey tribute, and start paying to see them get punched in the face.
District 5: St. Louis, MO
Weapon Of Choice: Smothering the competition with smugness.
Survival Skills: Adverse to any criticism due to its holier than thou attitude.
Sponsor Takeaway: Whether or not St. Louis’ tribute brutally murders the other child competitors or dies a horrific death, St. Louisans are the best fans in Teenage Killing Competitions in the country.
District 6: Birmingham, AL
Weapon Of Choice: Great aim with fire hoses.
Survival Skills: Will never get cold due to inherent ability to burn crosses.
Sponsor Takeaway: A past its prime tribute that would have crushed it 50 years ago, but has lost a step post-integration.
District 7: Kansas City, MO
Weapon Of Choice: Apathy = no fear of death. Years of disappointment from the Royals and Chiefs’ make them immune to pain. Physical or mental.
Survival Skills: Can sustain on a diet consisting solely of meth and barbeque sauce.
Sponsor Takeaway: Much like KC’s cultural scene, there’s nothing to see here.
District 8: Pittsburgh, PA
Weapon Of Choice: Sending in Ben Roethlisberger to have his way with the competition.
Survival Skills: Taking a page out of the Sidney Crosby playbook, and whining their way to the top.
Sponsor Takeaway: Would be more likeable if Yinzers would just shut the hell up about how amazing Yuengling is.
District 9: Houston, TX
Weapon Of Choice: With a simple call to 281-330-8004, can summon one of the nation’s largest collection of rappers.
Survival Skills: Surviving heat hotter than Gary Kubiak’s ex-seat will never be an issue.
Sponsor Takeaway: Would be one of the favorites if their judgment weren’t so clouded from sippin’ on some sizzurp.
District 10: Washington, DC
Weapon Of Choice: Between the debt ceiling and Daniel Snyder’s reckless spending, the Capital is not afraid to buy current victories at the expense of the future.
Survival Skills: Impressively continues to carry out its business as if scandals never even happened.
Sponsor Takeaway: The ability to remain unscathed by corruption, racist team names, and an all-around piece-of-shit aura makes DC a real darkhorse.
District 11: Austin, TX
Weapon Of Choice: Distorting the mental cognition of all tributes in the vicinity, one filthy hippie bong-rip at a time.
Survival Skills: Don’t discount someone who can stay so blue in a state as red as Texas.
Sponsor Takeaway: Truthfully, Austin has no business being in a “worst cities” competition. However, as the home city of PGP, someone has to take its ego down a notch.
District 12: Topeka, KS
Weapon Of Choice: The Westboro Baptist Church’s uncanny ability to sic God’s hatred on literally anything.
Survival Skills: Threatening lawsuits against anyone who stands in its way.
Sponsor Takeaway: Ladies and gentlemen, the Jennifer Lawrence character, and the sneaky-good betting value to bring home the Unemployment Games. So long as the WBC is in its borders, Topeka will always be America’s antisweetheart.