Where You Eat And What It Says About You

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We make many choices that are telling of our personalities: what kind of pet we have, what genre of music we prefer, what our major was. Those indictors provide some valuable insights, but the true nature of your personality is best understood when you evaluate where you eat in your home. This is the Internet, so I am allowed to make sweeping generalizations based on this trait alone.

On Your Bed

You know that the questionable looking stain on your sheets is actually mayonnaise. You never need to exfoliate, because the crumbs in your bed already do that for you. You are a grade-A slob kabob. Let he who has never eaten pizza alone in bed be the first to cast a stone. Your days lack routine and you identify a little too much with the narrative in songs by The Offspring. You have been known to shower and then stay in your robe for hours. When something falls off your bed, you become MacGyver–you’ll use any tool to reach the item without just picking it up. Chances are, you’re single and your dating life peaked in high school.

On Your Couch

You consider the DVR to be the greatest invention of your lifetime. You have binge watched multiple ABC Family “Harry Potter” weekends. You are unfazed by the little things in life. After all, you eat at the same place that your dog sleeps. If you were a worrier, then you would be deep in a Lysol-induced fugue state. Your favorite dinnertime companion is Tim Gunn, who is closely rivaled by Detectives Benson and Stabler. You likely come home from work stressed and have no energy left to prep a meal and then sit on an uncomfortable kitchen chair. You eat a lot of pre-made meals and you never feel like you make it to the gym enough.

At Your Kitchen Table

You are an adult. You are the mom or dad of your friend group, and you’ve been responsibly navigating the real world since day one. You probably cook meals that require multiple dishes, and you eat using a matching dinner set. There are suits hanging in your closet that you have dry cleaned instead of the old lint roller/wrinkle release spot treatment. Your parents brag about you all the time. Adult points times 1,000 if you eat off a kitchen table that isn’t from IKEA.

In Your Car

Many people believe that the saddest choice you can make during the day is the choice to eat alone in your car. Everything about this is pathetic. The first thing you do when you know you will eat behind the wheel is park in the furthest spot from humanity. You sit with your sandwich as your rapidly update every app on your phone, praying a friend will distract you from your bleak lunch break. You might be going through one of those adult spells of having no friends, or maybe you just don’t like people. Or maybe the thought of making small talk over a salad is your worst nightmare. I’d make a more critical analysis of your life, but no one eats alone in a car because it was his or her first choice. I’ve been in that shotgun seat of shame before. The key is to eat quickly and avoid eye contact.

In Front Of Your Refrigerator

You opened the fridge, found food, closed the doors, and then mindlessly ate your meal while staring at magnets and old save the dates. You need to step away from the appliance and call a friend. This is a safe place and it doesn’t have to be like that.

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Brown rice. Black beans. Barbacoa. Both Salsas. Corn. Cheese. Guac. Lettuce.

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