Congratulations! After spending the last six months at your current job pretending to work and serially raping the APPLY button on CareerBuilder, you’ve finally done it. You landed an interview for a new gig.
In order to charm your future employer, there are a few steps you need to complete before the interview.
Step One: Bail
Call in sick to your current job. You can blame it on the bird flu, you can blame it on your grandma. Say you’re going to the dentist. Hell, if you’ve got the balls, you can straight up blame it on the a-a-aa-a-alcohol.
Step Two: Prep
This is the one instance it’s acceptable to stay in and get a good night’s rest. Put all your Facebook creeping experience to proper use and find out EVERYTHING you can about the person you’re interviewing with. If you’re as good as me, you will use your CIA-level skills to have enough personal information on your interviewer to mindfuck them into tears — if the situation calls for it, that is.
Step Three: Chill
Cruise through your morning with ease. Slip on your fresh pressed interview outfit. Give yourself a little wink and finger pistol in the mirror on the way out the door. Starbucks? Venti? You bet.
Step Four: Lie
Do you really want this job? Eh, kinda. What you do want is your interviewer to think you would go through hell and high water to be his right-hand man. Bury the fact that you are a borderline alcoholic, have a mild gambling addiction and are seriously under-qualified for the job. Smack on that shit eating grin and spin the truth to secure an offer.
As your interview is coming to a close, you think you have it in the bag. Then, they hit you with the dreaded question: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Are they serious? I don’t know where I’ll be in five months, let alone five years. I was still using a fake ID five years ago. You pause to mull it over. Why does every interviewer ask this question? Do they actually want the honest to God truth? No, but here it is:
- In five years, I’d like to see myself on a yacht in St. Tropez being showered in champagne by my shirtless assistant, David Beckham.
- In five years, I’d like to see myself retired, spending my days eating expensive cheese at my compound in the Hamptons.
- In five years, I’d like to see myself winning an Oscar for my heart wrenching performance as a homeless lesbian opposite Angelina Jolie.
- In five years, I’d like to see myself married, divorced from and remarried to multiple members of The Wanted.
- In five years, I’d like to see myself living on a private island, passing time riding dolphins and throwing Gatsbyesque parties.
- In five years, I’d like to see myself as a vampire, draining the blood from people who ask stupid fucking questions.
- In five years, I’d like to see myself anywhere but here.