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Like many others, I’m a creature of habit. Routine is comfort for me. So on days I actually go into the office (I’m usually a work from home guy), I like to have my actions down to a science.
Cold brew on the drive in to get the juices flowing. Get into the office, do some small talk, shake some hands, kiss some babies, etc. Then I grab a small cup of hot coffee and make my way to my desk. Check my emails and stare at Twitter for about twenty minutes.
By that time the morning cold brew and its hot counterpart have made their presence enough to where it’s time to take my morning leak. Our office complex has a quality bathroom situation: two urinals, two stalls, clean as fuck. I wouldn’t eat off the floor or anything, but there’s definitely worse restrooms out there.
Yesterday, the place was wide open; had my pick of urinals, or even a stall if I wanted to be a weird pee-sitting-down guy. I gravitated to the right urinal and enjoyed my unaccompanied bladder drainage. That is until a stranger rushed in the room and nearly sprinted up to the urinal on my left like he’d drank seventeen gallons of water that morning.
My solo urinal experience thwarted, I immediately had to make the decision that every man must make when pissing side-by-side with someone else. Which way to look? If you’re next to someone you know, it’s not quite as important. There’s familiarity there. But a stranger? Whole different ballgame.
First and foremost, you’re never looking to the side. No fucking way. To look at another man while he’s peeing is an absolute travesty. You may be hanging dick within half a foot of each other, but you deserve the sanctity of the tiniest amount of privacy. If you get a pair of eyeballs staring at you as you’re trying to do your business, that’s grounds for a fight. It’s about respect.
Why does it matter where you look then? Peripheral vision, that’s why. You can’t avoid it. In the most fleeting corner of your eye, you’ve got an idea of where that other dude is looking. You try to pretend like you don’t, but you do. Plus you’ve gotta make sure he’s not looking at you, because as we’ve said, that’s weird and shouldn’t happen.
So where to? You’ve got two obvious choices: straight at the wall or down at the action.
What does looking at the wall say about you? You’re a man who means business. You’re here to do yours then go crush that conference call. What’s on that wall in front of you? Probably some cheap tile, maybe with a textured pattern, but probably just plain black or white.
Get familiar with that tile for the minute you’re engaging it with your eye contact. If you’re pulling off the dead-stare at the wall, you’re letting everyone in that restroom (especially if there’s people waiting for your urinal) that you’re so confident in your piss-aim that you’d rather wonder if this tile in front of you would look good in your own bathroom than to double-check that you’re not causing errant spray to mist your light brown pants.
Should you look down at the action? If you’re someone who likes to have fun, yeah, you probably should. It’s your dick after all; why shouldn’t you be allowed to stare at it? In thirty years you might be so old and fat that you can’t see the thing when you look down, so enjoy it while it lasts.
There’s also the practicality of gazing down at your piss stream that staring at the wall just can’t provide. There’s a lot of different urinal setups, and sometimes it takes scouting the area and constant observation to make sure that your stream is making the right things happen.
Is it a short, waist high stall? Is it one of those ones that goes all the way to the floor? Is there maybe one of those little mats in there to prevent solids from heading down the drain? All things that you can’t get if you just eyefuck the wall in front of you while you pee.
Yeah, maybe someone’s going to think “Wow that guy sure is staring at his dick intently,” but in my opinion that’s well worth it. What you cannot have, and I mean absolutely cannot have, is to leave the urinal and realize that you were sending that stream into the porcelain wall-hugger at the wrong angle, and you’ve got some visible piss-mist on your pants. You just hate to see that. Better to do your scouting and find the right angle.
But every man is different. The choice is yours when you unzip next to a stranger. Look at the wall? Look at the action? Be a sociopath with big-dick-energy and stare directly at the person next to you? You make the call. It’s your time to shine. .
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
@bandujokyle
kyle.bandit
“Hey man, that’s a nice watch”
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If I’m in the Grandex HQ bathroom I’m making extended eye contact with everybody and deeply sighing
When I was young my dad took me to a football game where the bathrooms for us guys were just giant troughs, you know, not much more than a communal piss bucket. Being as young as I was I was naturally a little deterred by going shoulder to shoulder next to two grown adults. My dad said just keep your line of vision straight in front of you – that I could look as far up or down as I wanted – but just keep the vertical plane of sight straight ahead. Never veered from that philosophy since.
Was it at the Carrier Dome? Best bathroom setup in the country. The efficiency of getting in and out is unmatched.
Arrowhead. Efficiency of the trough system can’t be denied, but the privacy leaves something to be desired.
We need a take on people who brush their teeth at work.
I’m minding my own business, staring at the wall in front of me because I’m team look forward, and some random dude is brushing his teeth next to me like we’re married.
Ok in defense I brush my teeth sometimes at work because we work 12hrs overnight and I’m not tryna give report to the next shift with stank breath that inevitably develops.
Solid point but I’m thinking you have much cleaner bathrooms and since urinals aren’t needed it means you’re not standing inches away from a stranger
True. Men’s bathrooms make absolutely no sense to me.
Right? I was just thinking how weird that shit is. I also keep a toothbrush at work (extended shifts/emergency’s) it’s not a daily work routine but nothing wrong with ducking into a lesser used washroom and taking care of your dental health.
On the one hand, I respect the attitude of “get whatever you can done on company time.” On the other…that’s just weird and unsanitary.
I’m admiring my piece, obviously.
I usually look at that little bee that’s painted in the urinal as the optimal target to prevent splash back and then I remember that the bee population is dying off at an alarming rate so essentially we’re pissing all over the bees literally and figuratively and we’ll all be dead soon after they die off completely lol
Straight ahead or you’re a lunatic
I look at my dick. Can’t look at someone else’s if you’re looking at your own
When the man is right, he’s right
“If you come to three unoccupied urinals, take the middle one”- Robert Frost
Thousand yard stare directly into the soul of the wall in front of you, no matter what.