What Your Female Friends Say And What They Actually Mean


The boy/girl friend dynamic is just one of those inexplicable Discovery Channel natural phenomena. It can be very complicated, given the variety in the nature of these relationships. Sometimes, there are suppressed sexual undertones, but other times, you think for whatever reason, you just can’t see yourself banging your friend. This is what makes the dynamic so unique and interesting. I can count my female friends on one hand, and God bless them for putting up with my bullshit. The more you get to know your friends, the easier it is to decipher what they are actually saying to you. I’ve translated several things my female friends have said to me, mostly because the women I am friends with generally sugarcoat things since I am a drunken man child.

On Your Dating Life

Situation: A brunette female friend knows my dating track record has a skewed blonde to brunette ratio. She says, “Maybe you should try to date a brunette.”
Translation: “I don’t know what to tell you about your fucked up romantic life and I sure as hell wouldn’t date you, but I’m a brunette so I’ll throw in a shameless self plug here.”

Situation: A blonde female friend having the same discussion: “Maybe you should try to date a brunette.”
Translation: “Oh no, I’ve been down this road with you before, buddy. That’s not happening again, so I’m disqualifying myself right off the bat.”

Situation: “Do you want me to wingman for you tonight?”
Translation: “I’ll point at a girl across the bar and tell you you should talk to her. Then I’ll act like you owe me big time.”

Situation: “Y’all are such a cute couple!”
Translation: “I give you two to four weeks, max.”

Situation: “Your girlfriend is so cute!”
Translation: “I hate that bitch. Why are you still dating her?”

Situation: “You broke up? Oh no, what happened?!”
Translation: “Called it.”

Situation: “Hey, I know it’s only been a week since your breakup, but I want you to meet my friend. She’s really pretty.”
Translation: “I don’t like her enough to protect her from your dysfunctional ass, but I may need you to help me move, so I’ll throw you a bone. Oh, and she’s not my prettiest single friend–I need that one for when we go out looking to meet hot guys.”

On Your Friendship

Situation: “You’re like a brother to me!”
Translation: “I’m not drunk or desperate enough to bang you. Yet. But I’m up for a 100 percent platonic snuggle.”

(Let’s take a moment of silence for our fallen comrades we’ve lost to the friendzone)

Situation: “I’m so glad we’re friends!”
Translation: “No, really. I get all the benefits of you thinking I’m hot without having to reciprocate. By the way, I need someone to cock block for me tonight.”

Situation: “Hey! What are you doing tonight?”
Translation: “I’m getting drunk and need a designated driver.”

On You

Situation: “I love your new place!”
Translation: “God, you’re a slob. Get a girlfriend so she can un-bachelor pad this place.”

Situation: “Congratulations on your promotion!”
Translation: “I’m happy for you, but a 10 percent raise and a slightly nicer office aren’t panty droppers. Stick to the bar skanks, buddy. I’ll at least wing for you.”

Situation: “Hey, guess what?!”
Translation: “I’m about to talk your ear off because the guy I’m dating ignores me so he gets sex and I expect you to do all the heavy lifting.”

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"Technically, Pablo Escobar was in sales."

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