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It’s 8am and you’re getting ready to head to work to pretend to bust your ass for the next 8 hours. If you have even the slightest hope of survival, you’ll need to caffeinate to stay alive. How you choose to go about pumping this sweet, sweet fuel into your system can predict with 90% accuracy how the rest of your work day will go. Choose wisely.
Red Bull/Other Energy Drink
Why does anyone complain about Mondays? Mondays aren’t that bad. You can conquer today! You feel like an office warrior, ready to crush some moderately important paperwork. You’ll probably be met with stares of incredulity as you delve into your cubicle crusade since all of your coworkers are used to you moving at the pace of a turtle. A fast turtle, to your credit, but a turtle nonetheless. You’re not used to having all of this sugar in your system, so things can get a little weird. At some point, you may begin humming, whistling, or playing the bongos on your desk. Don’t get too comfortable in your seat, because you will definitely make at least 4 trips to empty your bladder before 11am. It could definitely be worse, but you also kind of wish that the closest sanitary bathroom wasn’t two floors up. Oh well. You survived Monday, and that’s what counts.
5-Hour Energy
Your coworkers will marvel at your speed, so much so that they might actually start to wonder if you’re actually ON speed. Sudden movements, sounds, and smells can attract your attention instantaneously, so put in your earphones and attempt to focus. Your eyelids may start to sporadically twitch and you’ll be extremely fidgety, but don’t worry, you’ll barely notice. You’ll start to slow down once you get some carbs in your stomach for lunch, and by the time 2pm rolls around, you’ll have slowed down so much that you might be mistaken for dead. If there was ever a day to try out the Costanza, this is it. You’ll be hardcore crashing from your energy rush earlier, but you somehow managed to complete a week’s worth of work in five hours, so your boss just might let it slide.
Coffee With Bailey’s
You sit in a tiny, cramped cubicle in the least-visited corner of your office. You have minimal to no interaction with clients, coworkers, or anyone really for that matter. In fact, you’re unsure if anyone would notice if you just stopped showing up. You’re kinda looking for an excuse to collect unemployment anyway, so you’ve pretty much given up. Your behavior is eerily similar to that of a fifth-year senior who got trapped into taking an 8am elective course. You shower every third day, and your clothes haven’t seen hangers in weeks. Smelling of stale pizza and beer is considered the norm for you, but low expectations are key to getting by with minimal effort. You’re very likely going through a dry spell in your sex life. Don’t worry, this phase won’t last forever. As soon as your office fills that job opening for a new receptionist, you’ll suddenly find yourself full of energy to do things like bathe and (at least attempt to) mask the alcohol on your breath. It gets better.
Work Coffee Machine Coffee
There’s no denying it. Your day will be terrible. You woke up late, got stuck in traffic, and you definitely didn’t brush your teeth. If you don’t already have at least one stain on your wrinkled shirt, you definitely will by the time today’s over. You will stare blankly at your computer screen without motion for hours on end. Your coworkers may wonder if you’ve slipped into a fugue state.
Coffee From Your Keurig
This is a typical workday. You will pretend to work for the first two hours, take a couple 30-minute long bathroom breaks, and spend the rest of your day watching YouTube videos and catching up on reading your blogs. If you’re lucky, you’ll get in a solid 45 minutes of productivity, but that’s a pretty liberal estimate. Add ten minutes of productivity for brewing a specialty flavor K-cup, but subtract 15 if you’re out of coffee creamer (hint: you probably are).
Caffeine Pills
Getting ready for work will be a huge success. You’ll get dressed using only clean articles of clothing, and you won’t forget any of the items for your lunch at home. You may dance in your car on your way to work. You won’t mind your 40 minute commute, because you’ll be cranking the local pop station and singing “I DON’T CARE, I LOVE IT!” at full volume. In about four hours, you’ll wonder who that strange creature was who took over your body this morning, and you’ll survive the rest of your day by playing your favorite work games, “How Many Ways Could I Off Myself Using Only These Tools?” “How Many Minutes Have Passed Since Looking at the Clock?” and my personal favorite, “Hunger Games Coworker Fantasy Draft.”
Tea
For whatever reason, you decided to give up coffee. You tell yourself that it’s better for your health and that soon, you won’t need caffeine at all, but until then, you’re pretty sure you’re dying a slow, painful death. You will have a minor headache for the rest of your workday until you give in and drink a shitty cup of office coffee, pound a few Advil, or take a nap on your desk. It could be worse, but it could definitely also be better.
Starbucks
This is a magical day. You actually had enough time to hit the Starbucks drive-thru on the way to work. You even arrived at work seven minutes early and scored a prime parking spot. Your coworkers actually smiled at you when you walked in. You will power through your mediocre amount of work at a mediocre pace, but you’ll do it with a smile on your face that’s strangely not forced. You wonder why you don’t do this every day – you’ll realize the next day that it’s because you’re poor and that you have to wake up an extra 30 minutes early, but you’ll decide to let yourself be delusionally happy for the time being. Besides, let’s be honest. You get paid to spend 80% of your time at the office watching YouTube videos, and at least another 10% hiding in the bathroom. Postgrad life? Maybe not all that bad after all.
Respond
Steph W.
Steph W. is a new Master's degree graduate with an intern's salary and six-figure taste. She realizes her expectations far exceed reality, so she spends her days pinning away Loubs she pretends are in her physical closet instead of her virtual one. Her hobbies include attempting to trapping her boyfriend into marriage before he finds out how insane she is and pretending that Black Box wine tastes as good as the kind she could afford when she was gainfully employed. Send her tips for getting out of student debt at recruitchairtsm@gmail.com
@therecruitchair
I take adderall XR for breakfast. nothing beats a good 7 AM amphetamine high
It’s unheralded but Goodies is the best form of caffeine, it is basically crack.
I drink soda…