What You Really Want To Say On Your Business Call

“I audibly swear every time your number pops up.”

“Yes, that sound you’re hearing is me taking a shit while I speak to you.”

“Thank God, I was hoping I would get into a far too long discussion about how hot it is outside with someone who I don’t like speaking to in the first place.”

“Yep, no update on that thing you keep calling about every few hours. Yep, I’ll still let you know when it’s done, as I’ve said multiple times now.”

“Almost every other sentence you say is racist and highly offensive to everyyone, but you’re my 3rd biggest client so I’m just gonna keep awkwardly laughing and saying yep.”

“I appreciate you swearing, because now I don’t have to constantly tell myself not to fucking swear on the phone.”

“Oh, how am I? Since you asked, I haven’t shit since Tuesday, my fantasy team is completely fucked, and the sound of your voice is rapidly making my day worse. How are you?”

“No, I’m not interested in furthering my education, please take me off your call list.”

“Honestly, no, I don’t remember a single thing from our conversation last week, but I’m going play along like I do.”

“Oh, yeah, I’ve got that form filled out just like you needed, so I’ll send it right over. Also, give me some time because in reality, I haven’t touched it.”

“I promise, I am in no way interested in furthering my education, take me off the fucking call list.”

“Let me forward you over to someone who can’t help you anymore than I can and wants to speak to you even less.”

“It’s 11 a.m., and you sound like you’ve already been drinking; please invite me out for lunch so I can give my boss the excuse that I’m meeting clients.”

“Let me put you on hold while I scramble to find our fax number because I don’t remember it.”

“You’re wondering if the process that takes 30-60 days that you asked me to do a few days ago is done yet? Why don’t you punch the math into a calculator and then give me a ring back.”

“Sorry, you’ve got the wrong number…… No, why the fuck would I know the number for the similarly named business you were trying to reach?”

“Hahahahah…..so how long are we going to trade bad laughter and worse jokes before you actually tell me why you called, because I wanted to go to lunch an hour ago.”

“Yes, please, pleaseeeeee tell me the story about what your grandchild did the other day. No, don’t worry, my desk isn’t stacked high with shit to do.”

“I’m going to tell you I’m about to walk into a meeting, but really I just want to go back to reading Matthew Berry’s Love/Hate for Week 6.”

“I’m actually at the driving range, so no, I’m not working on your report as we speak, but believe whatever you want.”

“Sure, I’ll hold, not like you called me or anything.”

“I understand you’re upset with me and/or my company, so hold tight while I transfer you to my boss so you can yell at her instead.”

“Let me check on that for you, and by that I mean I already know the answer, which is no, and will just be using this as an excuse to not have to call you back until tomorrow.”

“Thank you for calling with something you need done ASAP right as I was about to leave for the day.”