What You Need To Know About ‘Fuller House’

What You Need To Know About 'Fuller House'

The show is complete and utter garbage. Honestly, I would rather watch the same episode of 16 and Pregnant on repeat for 8 hours straight than have to suffer through Fuller House any more than I already have. Take this review with a grain of salt because I could only allow myself to finish the first two episodes before I concluded that shoving bamboo shoots up my fingernails would bring me more joy than this abortion of a reunion television show.

Basically, DJ Tanner got married, had some kids, but is now living with Daddy Danny because her baby daddy sadly passed away prior to when this show took off. For this, I applaud the writer’s for taking this high road of having the man die instead of inserting another male figure portrayed as a worthless dick of a human being who is absent from his kid’s lives. However, they had to throw that card in their somewhere, so they made up for it in one of the other characters as you will see below. Danny wants to sell his house, but DJ cries because being a single mom is hard so he decides to not sell the house. Everyone decides to move in to help with raising DJ’s three boys.

The Old

Father time a two-faced jackal. On the one hand, the years have bode extremely well for the Katsopolis power couple. Cool hair, don’t care. Uncle Jesse is still a fucking stud who is almost better looking than his fictional wife. Plastic surgery does have something to say about Aunt Becky’s agelessness, but fake or not, I DEFINITELY still would. And there are not many women aside from Jennifer Anniston that you can confidently say that about 20+ years past their prime. You also have to note that DJ Tanner has blossomed into an all-out smoke. I’ll be the first to admit that I did not see that coming. But now I am.

Of course, there is the other side of the hill. Enter Bob Saget. This mother fucker turned into a BLIMP. There must have been at least a couple c-notes gained between him and that goofy puffball of character Uncle Joey. You almost have to laugh at it because it will be the only thing you laugh at coming from Dave Coulier in this show. His goofiness is completely lost on me now. I just want to punch him in the face whenever he does one of those stupid voices.

Stephanie Tanner chose the career of a disk jockey and goes by the name “DJ Tanner,” and yes, the writers most definitely based her entire new character off of making that one joke.

Kimmy Gibbler is still weird as shit. She must fuck like Seabiscuit because somehow she got married and had a kid with a guy named Fernando. He is a douche, they are getting a divorce. You can’t make this stuff up.

The twins, Nicky and Alex Katsopolis are now in college and their plan is to open up a food truck after they graduate. But don’t worry, they used college to become wicked good at surfing. Needless to say, they are fucking tools.

The New

The theme song is a slightly different take on the original and obviously not as good, but I don’t think they totally butchered it — which is nice.

Ramona Gibbler, Kimmy’s kid: Permanent bitch face. And for good reason, because her dad Fernando is a total dick bag. Will be hott when she becomes of age.

Fernando, Kimmy’s soon to be ex-husband: Suave. Pulls a high quantity of ass. Also a Douche.

Tommy Fuller Jr. DJ’s infant: Poops a lot. Is a baby. Not really much going on here.

Jackson fuller, DJ’s eldest son: Gotta feel for the kid. He is forced to move back in with his nagging little brother after everyone decides to take up shack in the house. So not only did he get kicked out of his own room in favor of bitch face (who isn’t even blood relative), but this poor dude now has to spend the early part of puberty in a bedroom with his jerk-off brother vying for constant attention instead of actually jerking off in peace.

Max Fuller, DJ’s middle child: By a landslide majority, the most hated character in the show. He will make your ears bleed. He will make you second guess ever having children. And for all intents and purposes, he is the reason why this review is only based off of two episodes. I have three little brothers, and not a single one can hold a candle to this asshole in the nuisance department. With 100% certainty I can say I would be in jail if I was left in a room for more than 5 minutes with this kid, so I can’t imagine sharing a room with him. Think of the most annoying sound in the world, something so unbearable that it causes you physical pain. That is how this child sounds. That is how this child looks. And that is how this child acts. And the worst part of it? He seems to be a major focal point of the show. No thank you.

Not that Full House was cutting edge drama, or gut busting sitcom, but it was at least feel good TV. Fuller House took all that was good about this childhood classic of mine and murdered it in cold blood. If you manage to finish this show without stabbing something or someone then you deserve a plaque or a trophy, or something that shows the rest of the world how pathetic your life really is for having subjected yourself to such an atrocity. But if you must stick it out, after every episode, please take another look at yourself and re-evaluate your life and the choices you are making. You owe it to yourself, and you owe it to Netflix. This trash came from the same people who bring us gold like House of Cards and OITNB. They need to know they fucked up. 1 star that shit.

Image via YouTube

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Mainer born and raised. Boston sports. Miller Lites. Let's get drunk and eat chicken fingers..

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