What These New Fast Food Items Are Really Saying To You

Due to our friends like Guy Fieri pushing the limits of fine culinary innovation, along with the general piggish nature of the human race, excessive originality in the fast food game has reached a boiling point. What are the corporations who make these wondrous creations really saying to you when they present their newest items? Let’s take a look.

KFC: Double Down


At last, the legend is back: two pieces of fried chicken used as the bun, cheese, bacon, and some redneck “secret sauce” mayonnaise gunk. Is the “secret sauce” really just a sack load from some dude named Cody or Brantley? Who cares? No one cares. Just open your throat and shut up.

Quiznos: Mac & Cheese With Lobster & Seafood


That’s what you want, right? Lobster and seafood baked with cheese and pasta from Quiznos? Sure you do. Just walk on in and order it. We totally make that shit now, so get to buyin’ it, you dumb motherfucker. Good Christ, you’re such a stupid lardass.

Burger King: Chicken Big King

Screen Shot 2014-05-14 at 10.00.08 AM

It’s a fucking Big Mac but made at Burger King with chicken instead of burger patties. Boom. Now get your pretty little knees on the ground and start gagging on it. Nice and slow–we’re BK, bitch. McDonald’s can eat our flame broiled ass seven days a week and twice on Sundays.

Subway: Flatizza


Why the fuck would you eat here? Oh, did you think it was going make you healthy and in shape like the athletes on our commercials? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Man, that is just…holy shit. Wow. Let me catch my breath. Anyway, we have pizza now, but we call it “flatizza.” It’s Italian for, “Do everyone a favor and put a fucking gun in your mouth.” See you Monday, shithead.

Arby’s: Reuben And Smokehouse Brisket Sandwiches


Hey, you know that pile of shit, mush mouth idiot Bo Deetles or whatever his name is from our commercials? We did that as a joke to see if you’d come eat here if he told you to. I don’t know if it’s politically correct, but you took advice from a mentally retarded fat guy who actually looks like roast beef wearing a suit on where you should get lunch. What a dumb asshole you are. Anyway, we hope you like our sandwiches.

Oh, and guess what? The roast beef is just a big brown hot dog that we slice thin. You didn’t know that, idiot? I’m going to go piss on your car.

Jack In The Box: Bacon Insider


Eat it up, druggie. You were going to shit later anyway.

Taco Bell: “Breakfast”


You know what a Crunchwrap is? No? Don’t lie to us. Look me in the eye. Yeah. Yeah, you do, you drunk, diseased animal.

“All half uh Crrrrnchwrap plzzzz…”

That’s you at 2:30 in the morning before you pass out on the toilet.

Well, guess what? We make that shit for breakfast now. You know what you’re going to do? You’re going to bring your fat, hungover ass into Taco Bell first thing before work and get a damn a.m. Crunchwrap, which is a fucking Crunchwrap we fill with breakfast shit. Then, you’re going to go to your stupid job, where everyone thinks you’re stupid, and you’re going to eat it in the car while you listen to ESPN radio and cry. Yeah. Fucking cry, you stupid baby.

Whoa, whoa, whoa–where you goin’? I’m not done here. We also make a taco out of a waffle and we put bacon or sausage, eggs, and cheese in it. You can also dump syrup on it. Why don’t you get one of those too. Oh, and while your stupid ass is eating it in the car while you think about your tiny limp dick, some of my buddies and I are going to go to your girlfriend’s house and satisfy all of her soaking wet holes. Then she’s going to pay us for it. You suck. Beat it, pussy.

Del Taco: Jacked Up Crunchtada Tostada

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We take a crunchy corn tortilla, then we get some hobo we found digging through the trash in the back to spit a bunch of Mountain Dew and chewed up Macho Tacos on it. What? You have a problem with that? Like you have any pride left. You too good for Del Taco all of a sudden? Do you hate homeless people? That’s so fucking cruel. Some of them can’t help it. Not everyone was born with a trust fund, your highness. I’ll tell you what’s going to happen here–I’m going to make you an order of four Jacked Up Crunchtada Tostadas, you’re going to pay for them, and then I’m going to sit here and watch you eat every last bite. If you don’t, I’m going to make a phone call to the local paper and tell them how you, Daddy’s rich little boy, were beating up homeless people behind our restaurant. Okay? Yeah, that’s what I fuckin’ thought, you fat, rich piece of trash.

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Mike Burns

Mike Burns is a comedian, author, and writer of television. He was born in Saginaw, MI and lives in Los Angeles, via Chicago via New York. Mike graduated from Michigan State University with a degree in Advertising that he threw in the trash. He's also the creator of @DadBoner and the author of "Power Moves: Livin’ The American Dream, USA Style by Karl Welzein."

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