The Walking Dead returns this Sunday, meaning there is, in fact, a God. Not everything, however, has gone exactly how I would like it to thus far. Let’s be real here–they killed off Hershel, and with his death, a little bit of America also died. That made me start thinking. What if I were to call a few of the shots? How would I want the rest of season four to go? Probably just as crazy as that shitshow of a mid-season finale, that’s how.*
Considering we’re not 100 percent sure about who actually made it on the bus, we’ll start with two people we already know are completely fucked: Rick and Carl. Last time we checked, this father-son duo was hobbling off into the walker-ridden forest after The Governor (may he burn in Hell with dumb bitch Andrea for eternity) wrecked both Rick and the prison. After battling off the masses of living corpses, they find refuge in an abandoned home that once belong to an upper-middle class family. They had a baby, and the proof left behind causes Carl to shoot everything that resembles happiness. Rick becomes super delusional this time around and imagines Lori and Shane getting busy on the couch, the kitchen counter, up against the bathroom sink, by the mailbox…you name it, they’re christening it. Kicker: The Governor taunts Rick about it the whole time. The once nice and untouched home becomes riddled with bullets due to memories and hallucinations and they are soon forced to leave, where they find the stretch of highway from season two, complete with the landmark car used as a note to Sophia.
Where’s Judith? Is she dead? Is she alive? Is she a crawler? Don’t worry, guys. Daryl picked Lil’ AssKicker up on the way out, because, mind you, he was a better mother to her in five minutes than Lori was to Carl in three seasons. As they ride off together into the sunset on his bike, they stop at a local daycare for shelter and baby food. Judith in one arm, crossbow in the other, he hears a noise. Prepared to kill the first thing that moves, he opens the door to the room where the noises are coming from only to find Carol, spread-eagle on the bed like Tawny Kitaen on the hood of a car in a Whitesnake video. “I heard you pull up,” she says with a come-hither look in her eyes. Aw, yeah. They do it. And the world heaves a collective sigh of relief built up from seasons of sexual tension.
Meanwhile, in the woods, Tyrese and the kids are managing. Tyrese wants nothing more than the sweet release of death and the ironic revenge of coming back to attack them after non-stop renditions of “Baby” by Justin Bieber, one of the last pop songs they heard before the world went to shit (could you imagine that being the last song you heard?). He begins to think Karen’s murder was a blessing in disguise because now he can never knock her up and bring another Belieber into the world. They also begin to name walkers after those they have lost, because those kids are fucking sadistic.
Michonne is on the greatest high of her life. After taking her katana to The Gov, she skips away in victory, happily beheading any walker that comes her way, including, but not limited to, Crazy Clara (AKA the Blair Witch) and Tara’s girlfriend.
Lilly finds her sister, Tara. She has to explain Meghan’s death, but is really secretly just thankful she’s out of the picture. Something else she hasn’t told Tara? She’s late and pregnant with The Governor’s bastard child. They come across what was once Woodbury and try to build a home out of a building that isn’t terribly damaged. Somewhere toward the end of the season, they come across a room with a locked door. Because they’re dumb bitches, they vow to unlock it and discover what’s inside. They do, only to find walker Andrea (because Michonne was the only one who liked you, Andrea, and couldn’t go through with killing you once and for all). Tara brutally kills Andrea in a rage fueled by the loss of her girlfriend and niece, finally giving me the sweet, sweet satisfaction of getting to watch her die.
Maggie, Glenn, Sasha, and Bob find camp with a family of survivors who are holed up in an RV on the main road. Their leader’s name is Negan. Glenn and Maggie continue to find time to bang. The zombie apocalypse never stopped them before, and it won’t stop them now. Maggie, distraught over the dramatic death of her saint-like father, cries in her spare time. So they bang. A lot. Mainly for the silence. Sasha becomes sexually attracted to Negan and leans on him for support as she assumes her brother is dead. They have sex. Bob sees that this new camp has brought with them a post-apocalyptic survival kit of spirits. He asks for a bottle of vodka to “sterilize his gunshot wound,” but really he just wants to get drunk while everyone else bangs, which is really just the story of my life.
Beth and the other survivors find the main road, but Beth, who has never driven a day in her life and is obviously shaken by Hershel’s death, drives straight into the only RV full of living people in Georgia. Maggie and Beth are reunited and grieve over Hershel together. Negan’s son tries to console Beth, much to the chagrin of Negan, so he kills her off with a barbed-wire-wrapped baseball bat. RIP, Beth. But good riddance.
Eventually, everyone groups back up, because obviously. All the loose ends have to be tied up and Rick has to heal before the next big plot twist where Negan goes batshit crazy and/or power hungry and tries to pull a Governor.
I mean, come on, y’all. You’ve taken Hershel away from me. At least give me some of this.
*Completely satirical, and although it would be totally awesome if any part of this actually happened, I don’t believe any of it to come to fruition.