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Okay guys, let me break this down for you. My extremely attractive best friend lives in Chicago. I live in Austin. When we graduated college in 2014, we agreed to visit each other at least a couple times a year. Shockingly, and much to the dismay of our finances, we’ve managed to make that happen. This time, it was my turn to take the (unfortunately not direct) flight for a weekend of mindless spending and diet-ruining binging.
Now, originally, I was going to title this “No One Is Drinking But Me,” because Alexa is on antibiotics (which, I guess when you’re an adult, you actually listen to the doctor and don’t drink because you want to get well? Who knew?) and her husband, Joe, is getting ready for his law school finals or dissertation or the bar or whatever it’s called. So, I guess I could have gone the weekend without alcohol. Well, maybe. I’m not sure. Because I just drank by myself anyway, which was quite depressing.
Still, this weekend has gotten weird, and it turns out, something much more appalling than drinking alone went down. Who knew that was possible?
Friday
What I Spent:
-Lyft to the airport, $21.87
-Pizza and Diet Coke from Schlotzsky’s, $11.34
I’m going to be honest, looking at this, my Friday wasn’t bad at all. I was productive all day, and then I managed to get to the airport in record time, saw Dan Regester while we were both waiting for our flights and discussed some fire #content we’re going to collab on together, and then I finished rereading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince for the millionth and 1 time (RIP Dumbley). Then, after landing at MDW at 11:45 p.m., I grumpily made my way to my friends’ car, made some small talk, and passed out the second I landed on their couch.
How I Saved:
I brought some banana chips and an empty, refillable water bottle with me for the two flights that absolutely sucked the life out of me, so I didn’t have to buy a snack for when I’d inevitably get hangry during my layover.
Where I Should Have Saved:
In a dream world, I wouldn’t have had to take a Lyft, but with a flight at 7 p.m., it was a little too tricky to coordinate getting a ride, what with people having normal, 9-5 jobs. And once I was at the airport, I didn’t exactly need to get pizza for dinner. But, fuck it. I figured I was starting my trip, and some greasy carbs never hurt no body. (I mean, yeah, they actually have hurt plenty of people due to the rising obesity rates, but alas, I digress.)
Saturday
What I Spent:
-A stupid, overpriced coffee and sandwich from Bombobar, $17.72
-Unnecessary shit from Ulta, $36.06
-Pizza, 2 Blue Moons, and wings from Pequod Pizzeria, $42.40
-Movie candy from Marianos, $4.07
(-“A Quiet Place,” $15.50 PREPURCHASED)
After perusing Instagram for new places to eat, I decided to hit up a joint that supplied the most obnoxious drinks on the internet. I’m talking, hot chocolate and coffee covered with doughnuts and syrup and a whole bunch of other diabetes-inducing treats. Yes, I did it purely for the ‘gram. Yes, I absolutely regret it. After that, we literally just shot the shit until it was time to eat again. When you’re not drinking, what else is there to do? We tried to guess what hot girls do with all of the makeup shit in Ulta, we watched The Office for a while, and then we dined on deep dish (pepperoni and pineapple FTW). Then, having planned for the fact that we would have no fucking clue what to do if we decided not to go out, we went to see John “Jim Halpert” Krasinski (and his wife, ugh), in their blockbuster of a Michael Bay-style movie.
How I Saved:
How did I save? Um, I didn’t. I mean, I could have purchased a shitton of more stuff from Ulta, but with a suitcase already filled to the brim, it seemed senseless. Plus, by sneaking candy and water into the movie, I avoided the $20+ extra I would have spent at fucking ArcLight.
Where I Should Have Saved:
I didn’t need the stupid, purple shampoo from Ulta, I didn’t need the beers with dinner, and I definitely didn’t need to watch John Krasinski slow dance with his wife. I’m all for a trip to the theaters, especially when the film gets a 95% on Rotten Tomatoes, but watching the love of my grind up on Emily Blunt was a little more than I could handle.
Sunday
What I Spent:
-Very Berry Hibiscus Refresher at Starbucks, $3.23
-2 games of bowling and shoe rental at King’s Bowl, $21.oo
-2 Blue Moons and queso at King’s Bowl, $19.50 (+$3.00 silly Venmo reimbursement)
-Dare To Eat Dog Toothpaste, +$5.00
-Burger, PBR, 1 shot of Malört at Chicago Diner, $21.24
-Dessert at The Second City, $20.91
(-The Second City ticket, $36.25 PREPURCHASED)
Sunday was weird. We, once again, had no idea what to do, so we went bowling. You know, the thing bored, middle-aged couples do when they need hobbies? Yeah, we, two twenty-something females in the prime of our lives, went bowling on a Sunday afternoon. And do you know what? That shit was a blast. After doing horribly, we went to the famous vegetarian restaurant, The Chicago Diner, where I had a shot of shitty alcohol that is apparently a part of Chicagoan culture. I’m not falling for that shit again. Then, after a black bean burger that was truly a revelation, we headed to Second City for the main stage show, where I have never seen worse heckling in my entire life. Like, people got kicked out and the show just stopped. ‘Twas dramatic. All-in-all, a solid ass Sunday.
Oh, and that casual “dare to eat dog toothpaste” thrown in there? Yeah, that didn’t go how I had planned. Originally, Alexa’s husband, Joe, was supposed to do the dare, but at the last minute HE BACKED OUT. He said he never agreed, and tried to argue that I should give him $10. I said that was bullshit, and then things got weird. He said I wouldn’t do it for $5, I said I would, and then, well, I ate dog toothpaste.
How I Saved:
I did not, in fact, save at all. I mean, I could have gotten shots for all of the bowling alley patrons since my friend is being a bitch and won’t budge on her whole “not drinking because I want to get better” thing. Still, I made $5 so like, good on me.
Where I Should Have Saved:
I don’t know, guys? I guess I could have just not gone to Chicago. But then I wouldn’t have learned that dog toothpaste really shouldn’t be consumed by humans, and that lesson is truly priceless.
Total: $271.09
Adjusted Total: (deducting the tickets I purchased before this weekend, Venmo reimbursement, and my bet winnings) $211.34
Still, I’m not flying back until tomorrow, so there’s still plenty of time for more damage to my credit score and waistline to be done..
Respond
Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
The tone of this article is that you spent recklessly… $271 for a weekend away is a huge win in my book
Did you manage to eat your purchased candy while watching A Quiet Place? I’ve never felt so uncomfortable trying to eat in a theater as I did during that movie
Same. My best friend and I split a bag of popcorn, and we would binge eat it only during the occasional slightly loud moments.
Damn, I’m impressed by what you got for $271. Also, bowling is a killer way to kill time in your late twenties. Unless you sweat whilst bowling. Then it just ruins a Bumble date (her idea, not mine)…
Wait Dumbledore does??? Thanks for the spoiler
Was really hoping you were gonna hit the pizza trifecta on Sunday
Black bean burger at Chicago Diner is the best!