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*Me arriving 5 minutes late*
What I Said: Sorry I’m soooo late… I’m normally always on time but my Uber driver was driving like a grandma.
What I Meant: I’m literally never on time, and if you can’t handle these 5 minutes, you sure as hell won’t be able to handle the usual 30+ minutes 6 months into this thing. *IF* it comes to that.
What I Said: So, how did you say you found this place? It’s so cute!
What I Meant: I’ve literally been on 8 first dates at this bar; 1 was last night. The bartender is judging me so hard.
What I Said: How was your day?
What I Meant: I don’t give a shit about the traffic you sat through or about all the “iron” you definitely did not pump at the gym. I’m just trying to make sure you have a job that doesn’t have the word “aspiring” in front of it.
What I Said: Where do you live again?
What I Meant: Let’s be real, this is LA and traffic is a bitch. I’m not about to get into a long-distance unlabeled relationship with someone who lives on the Eastside. Or worse, the Valley.
What I Said: Manhattan Beach is one of my favorite areas! If the commute wasn’t so bad,
I’d totally live there too.
What I Meant: A good 25 minutes away, but I’ll overlook that because I actually really love MB. I wonder if he plays volleyball.
What I Said: My go-to cocktail? Usually white wine when I’m out, don’t want to worry about the red wine stains on my teeth!
What I Meant: Prosecco but I don’t want you to think I’m high-maintenance. Or vodka-soda but you know, I’m not trying to black out on at least our first four dates.
What I Said: Where are you from again?
What I Meant: I can hang with the East Coast, Midwest, South, even NorCal. Orange County is really pushing it. If you were born and raised here I will literally punch myself in the face.
What I Said: Ohio! That’s awesome! The Ohio State University has the coolest marching band!
What I Meant: Midwest, thank God. I even knew about the “The” Ohio State thing. I’m so smart. *hair flip emoji*
What I Said: Are you excited to go home for the holidays? I know I am.
What I Meant: Please have a good relationship with your mostly functional family. I’m trying to #adult here.
What I Said: That’s awesome! Yeah, it’s going to be so cold back east! We’ve both gotta pack all of the sweaters.
What I Meant: But actually it’s going to be cold AF and this romper is not going to cut it in New England.
What I Said: So far just a lot of plans with family and friends from home. You? Can’t wait to watch the GOAT light it up against the Jets with my Dad and brother on Christmas Eve!
What I Meant: Petting my dog. And drinking all of the wine with my mom and sister. But also watching the GOAT light it up against the Jets with my Dad and brother on Christmas Eve.
What I Said: OF COURSE, TOM BRADY IS THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME! HE’S FREAKING TOM BRADY! What’s the Browns record again?
What I Meant: OF COURSE, TOM BRADY IS THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME! HE’S FREAKING TOM BRADY! I can’t even say “The Browns” without rolling my eyes.
What I Said: Hey at least you guys almost won the World Series!
What I Meant: 2nd place is still really good! Uh oh… looks like that was too soon… Thank God, waitress saving me by dropping off the check.
*Reaching into my purse to get wallet*
What I Said: Are you sure? You really don’t have to. Thank you so much!
What I Meant: Are you sure? You really don’t have to. Thank you so much!
What I Said: Oh, you drove here? That’s okay, I’ll just call an Uber so you don’t have to go out of your way.
What I Meant: There’s no way in hell I’m letting you drive me home, you’re a stranger! At least my uber driver is a stranger with a sticker on his car.
*Standing on curb waiting for the awkward kiss/hug goodbye*
What I Said: Ok, well this was fun. Have a good rest of your ni-
What I Meant: Oh, ok we’re doing this. He’s a decent kisser, much better than the slobbery dude from last night. Alright, we can’t be making out on the street like this after a first date, pull it together woman.
What I Said: I better go, I think my Uber’s arriving! This weekend? I have plans on Saturday, but we could probably figure something out Friday or Sunday.
What I Meant: If you don’t go for the Friday night move you are done. May the odds be ever in your favor! .
Image via YouTube