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What I Said: Yeah, it’s seriously so cold outside. Want to head inside?
What I Meant: It is literally 2 degrees Fahrenheit outside, we need booze. Warmth, too.
What I Said: So, how did you say you found this place?
What I Meant: I know I let you pick the place for the second date, but why are we at a wine bar when I’ve explicitly told you multiple times that I’m a dive bar kind of guy?
What I Said: I know it’s weird, but I like to Yelp all of the places I go to beforehand, just to see what kind of atmosphere it is. Don’t want to be underdressed!
What I Meant: If you didn’t tell me that 404 was a wine bar, I would be wearing a hoodie and jeans right now.
What I Said: Yeah, if you want a Red Blend, you should go for it!
What I Meant: You deliberately asked me to go to a wine bar tonight. If you order a Red Blend when I make an effort to order a Pinot Noir from some bullshit ranch in California, I’m going to be very disappointed.
What I Said: Yeah, that Red Blend does taste good!
What I Meant: I’m so disappointed right now.
What I Said: My favorite kind of wine? Honestly, it’s the kind that has alcohol in it! *Laughs charmingly*
What I Meant: It’s winter. Anything red, preferably a nice cabernet around this time. Pinot Noir doesn’t hurt, I’ll just figure it out as I look at the menu.
What I Said: Are you so excited to see your family for the next two weekends?
What I Meant: I can’t believe that we’re confining this thing — whatever it is — to weeknights at this point.
What I Said: Oh, so you only live a few blocks away? Did you walk here then?
What I Meant: I’ll keep that in mind for later.
What I Said: *Laughs* Yeah, I wore my ugly sweater to our company’s holiday party yesterday. What, are you wearing yours right now?!
What I Meant: Okay, seriously, we’ve gone on two dates now and you’ve only worn sweaters. I’m starting to get suspicious. What gives?
What I Said: Wow, yeah I don’t know what I would do if I had limited heat in my apartment.
What I Meant: I take back my previous statement about the sweaters.
What I Said: Are…are you for real kind of drunk off of one and a half glasses of wine?
What I Meant: Are…are you for real kind of drunk off of one and a half glasses of wine?
What I Said: What?! No! No! I’m not judging you! I’m drinking water too! That’s why I said you might want to grab some!
What I Meant: Oh dear God.
What I Said: Look, if you really really want, I’ll finish up your glass for you. Fuck, I’ll even order one to out-drunk you!
What I Meant: If that’s what it takes for this to not be weird, or to not make a scene in the middle of a nice bar, I’ll take that bullet.
What I Said: I mean, if you’re curious about how much the bartender makes in a year, you should just ask her! What’s the worst that could happen?
What I Meant: Please do not ask the bartender how much she makes in a year.
What I Said: No, seriously, I got this. Don’t worry about the bar tab, I’m sure it’ll come back around sooner or later.
What I Meant: If we go out again, I’m only ordering Whiskey Gingers.
What I Said: Hey, I know you only live a few blocks away, do you want me to walk you home?
What I Meant: Despite my internal complaints, I’m still attracted to you and want to see you naked. Also, I genuinely want to make sure you get home safely.
What I Said: Oh, yeah I get that. Just seems like a really cold walk home to me. Either way, I’ll just order an Uber and head to my place.
What I Meant: What should I masturbate to tonight?
What I Said: I hope I see you again soon!
What I Meant: I really do hope I see you again soon. That being said, if we don’t see each other next week, we’ll probably just end up ghosting each other. .
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Charlie
Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.
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You seem like someone I’d definitely ghost.
Damn
Hot takes on a cold day.
I probably would too tbh
Coming off very beta.
There’s a lot wrong here but let me point out a few things that stood out:
It doesn’t matter that you’re a dive bar guy, you let her pick the place so she’s gonna pick somewhere that she wants to go. It ain’t all about you.
You passed up a few opportunities to playfully tease and flirt with her (her being drunk off 1.5 glasses was the perfect spot).
You should’ve just told her that you were gonna walk her home, not asked if she wanted you to.
Sorry, Charlie.
Just re-read this and have a few follow up comments:
It’s only a second date. This “thing” isn’t really a thing. Don’t get too clingy too quickly, Romeo.
You shouldn’t criticize what a girl you’re on a date with is wearing. Doing it in a relationship will result in you going sexless for the night. Doing it on a second date will result in no third date.
You’ve got beta male oozing out your ears. You might want to work on that.
Atta boy
You should have offered to walk her home and then brought her to a random house where she doesn’t even live and then try really hard to convince her that she lives there since she’s drunk and drunk people will pretty much believe anything. I mean ask Jesus about that shit. That sly motherfucker.
Can confirm.
Woah what now?
Mary Mag and I went on a wine date (which was us out in the desert drinking water that I turned into wine) and we got drunk, stumbled back to John’s place and totally convinced her it was her place.
There is a fine line of just playing around with a drunk person and taking advantage of them. Be careful.
Kenneth, you’ve been getting taken advantage of while sober your entire life by the shadow elite cabal so sit your ass down
Charlie, the majority of your articles end really sad. I would to say “Sorry, Charlie” but really I want to say “What’s up, bro? You alright? Let’s talk.”
“I’m only ordering Whiskey Gingers.”
Your first mistake was not doing this to begin with.
Drunk off of one glass? Did she not eat all day or something? I just don’t understand.
I thought of all people you’d understand her plight
…Duda?
No sex date, Sorry Charlie
Really enjoying that this is becoming a thing.
was going to leave it to you, but I was on a high from breakfast
Also, the Sunday Scaries Playlist is ready for your ears to have sex with it. I’m gonna share it on my Twitter. Find me @Nived_Neirbo
Can confirm. This playlist is amazing.
Name checks out
Throwin it up on Spotify?
Indeed. It’s posted on my Twitter as we speak
Should have tried to trade shirts with the guy in the bathroom