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Panic At The Disco said, “Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off.”
Okay. Ridiculous emo lyric aside it’s highly known and accepted that every girl (and I do mean every girl) lies all the time. Nine times out of ten it’s completely harmless stuff. Subtracting ten pounds from your weight on your driver’s license, saying you like Heather’s new choker necklace even though it makes her look like a Hot Topic manager from 2007, telling your mom that your rent is $200 less a month than it actually is. See? Totally harmless.
There are some sentences that come out of every girls mouth and each time I hear the words forming I have to fight the urge to Liz Lemon eye roll and turn around with a “J’accuse!”, shattering the illusion that she’s so clearly trying to manipulate. We all do it. And, sweetie, if you read these and say, “Ohmigod I never say any of that”: you’re lying.
She Says: “I’m not like other girls.”
She Means: “I’m EXACTLY like other girls. I care way too much about my hair and have spent thousands of dollars each year on perfecting its color. I reread your texts to the point of potentially popping a blood vessel. I also cry in the shower at least once a week. But I want you to tell me how cool you think I am.”
She Says: “I totally don’t care where we go. I’m supes low maintenance.”
She Means: “If you suggest that shitty sports bar when I very clearly hinted that I wanted tapas, I’m going to rip my extensions out. Also, I use abbreviations because I’m hoping I can still pass for 22. I can pass for 22, right?”
She Says: “I’m, like, ten minutes away!”
She Means: “I may or may have not even left my home yet. I got really distracted with Kristen Bell interview clips on YouTube and then had to frantically flail around to get ready. But if I say I’m ten minutes away and then show up twenty minutes late, that’s really only ten minutes late. Right? Right. Well, whatever, that’s how girl math works.”
She Says: “Oh my god, Kelsey, let’s totally do spin class in the morning!”
She means: “I am just PRAYING that Kelsey is in the middle of a blackout and is throwing up all those vodka crans tomorrow so we don’t have to go to sweat in a dark room while a gay man yells at us over a Lady Gaga remix playlist.”
She Says: “I’m just staying home and cleaning today.”
She Means: “I’m going to dance around in my underwear before examining my pores for three hours in a magnifying mirror. I’m then going to maybe get one thing of laundry done but will absolutely finish a season and half of Friends while downing two bottles of rosé. Hashtag PRODUCTIVITY.”
She Says: “I’m not going to text him anymore. Bible. I’m SO done.”
She Means: “I’m not going to text him, but I am going to religiously check my phone every 20 to 30 minutes, hoping I see the typing bubble appear in his texts that I won’t delete. I might not be texting him, but I’m sure as hell going to include him on each and every Snapchat where my skin looks radiant and my boobs look awesome. And then on Thursday after my third round of Fireball, I’m going to lose all self-control and ask him what he’s doing. I’m only done once someone else starts paying attention to me, and even then I’ll still always text him back.”
She Says: “I’m fine.”
She Means: “Have you heard of Aileen Wuornos? She would be considered NICE next to the hell I’m about to unleash on you.”.
Image via YouTube