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If you missed it, read Part One.
I am very good at executing a select number of things. I have mastered making a Thanksgiving turkey, I can cry on command (future boyfriends beware), and I memorize movies like Rain Man. But the number one thing I am a damn expert on is reading between the lines when it comes to girls.
I like to make fun of anyone and everyone. But the number one person I make fun of is me. So while it may seem like I’m coming for my gender, rest assured that I am lumping myself right, smack dab in there with the rest of you bitches.
So, here we go.
She Says: “It’s whatever.”
She Means: “I want to seem super chill about this, but I’m absolutely obsessing over it right now. It is 100 percent anything BUT whatever.”
She Says: “I can’t decide if he’s cute, do you think he’s cute?”
She Means: “I’m totally a smitten kitten, but I’m worried he’s not as hot as the guy who just dumped me. I need to make sure you aren’t going to sex-shame me at brunch this weekend if I let him go down on me tonight.”
She Says: “I don’t know when I last ate… are you hungry?”
She Means: “I haven’t heard a word you’ve said in the last twenty minutes because I’ve been picturing you turning into a human burger and then devouring you. I’m so hungry, you’d better say you’re hungry. PLEASE SAY YOU’RE HUNGRY.”
She Says: “I’m totes PMSing right now.”
She means: “I’m not sure if I am, but I just either: A) did something crazy and out of character and I’m embarrassed, B) ate something ridiculously indulgent and I’m feeling guilty about it, or C) cried at a commercial involving a dog and it’s owner for no reason. I need to blame my behavior on something so as not to seem like a total basket case.”
She Says: “Might want to stay in tonight if that’s cool with you.”
She Means: “I am absolutely eight episodes deep into Pretty Little Liars and not moving. I’ve eaten approximately two thirds of a Trader Joe’s barbecue chicken pizza and have a food baby so big I have named it Emma. There aren’t enough vodka-sodas in the world to make me squeeze into a push-up bra and meet you out tonight. Not happening. Nope.”
She Says: “I’m thinking about going vegan.”
She Means: “Please tell me how skinny I look.”
She Says: “I don’t know, he seems a little clingy…”
She Means: “He likes me more than I like him, and it’s legitimately freaking me out. I haven’t gotten to bitch at my best friend about how he doesn’t text me back. What do I do?! Am I being Punk’d? I’m being Punk’d.”
She Says: “Oh, we didn’t date. We didn’t even do anything.”
She Means: “We did everything, and on the first date too, but my friends didn’t like him, or I considered him to be a 6 to my 8, so I’ll never admit it. Until I get drunk later and Katie pulls it out of me in the bathroom.”
She Says: “You should have a night with the guys.”
She Means: “You should have a night with the guys so I have a night to shave my big toe, belt out Katy Perry songs at the top of my lungs, eat frosting with a spoon, and squeeze all of the junk out of my pores without worrying about you seeing me. And also so I can stalk your girl friends on social media and decide which one I hate the most.”
She Says: “What did you just say?”
She Means: “Duck and cover because I’m about to ruin your life.” .
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
Kendra Syrdal
Once in college John Cusack asked Kendra to sing for him. She said no. Visit her website to ogle at her face and send hate mail // kendrasyrdal.com
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Talking to women sounds awful.
She Says: “I write for Grandex and PGP”
She Means: “I’m just replacing Catie Warren”
Is she an upgrade? It’s seems like an easy task to accomplish, but I feel the jury is still out.
This is why I like texting a female friend with a quote and some context instead of trying to figure this shit out on my own. I need do app for that. Just phrases girls use a lot, with likely translations ranked by a survey of random girls. You could make one for interpreting what guys mean, the translations would pretty much all be the same.
And I just noticed, you wrote this exact same article two months ago. Be better than that
The link to the first installment is right there below the photo bub, not like it was an attempt to hide it
I honestly thought that Will wrote this.