If I had a dollar for every time a guy friend texted me a screenshot of a convo from whatever girl he’s currently footing the vodka soda bill for that’s captioned with “WTF DOES SHE MEAN,” I wouldn’t have to hustle nearly as hard, tell you what. But I don’t blame them. Girls are confusing! We may be the fairer sex but we are absolutely the more complicated of the two. Where guys are like a connect the dots, girls are like one of those mazes in Inception that Leonardo DiCaprio can’t solve.
I’m fully convinced that if Apple created an App that would translate what a girlfriend/wife/slam piece/cuddle buddy actually said to what she probably meant, they would not only make a ton of money, but solve 90% of fights in relationships before those fights even started. But until Tim Cook decides to do you all a solid, these columns will be here for you, whether you like it or not.
She Says: “So I’ve been thinking about getting bangs…”
She Means: “I think I’m in a rut and I need to do something to mix it up. But nothing so extreme that I can’t get rid of the mistake with Biotin, some well placed bobby pins, and about two months.”
She Says: “I mean no offense but…”
She Means: “I am about to overstep like a MOFO. See that line? Crossing it and crossing it hard.”
She Says: “I hate drama.”
She Means: “I am the pot stirrer standing over all of you like a cauldron, watching it all fall apart, and I live for it.”
She Says: “Oh no. Let’s take a different picture.”
She Means: “You look like Nina Agdal and I look like the troll from the first Harry Potter movie. If you post that to Instagram, I will delete you from our group text.”
She Says: “I’m just going to hop in the shower really quick.”
She Means: “See you in two hours.”
She Says: “I had a dream that we broke up.”
She Means: “I looked at your phone saw you texting someone named Meagan and now I’m feeling 80 to 90% convinced that you have a secret family in Canada and will leave me. Also you called me fat in that dream and I’m not going to forget about it for at least a month.”
She Says: “I just have no filter.”
She Means: “Frequently my friends drop subtle hints that maybe I could’ve said something differently because it was mean but honestly, I’m too buzzed most of the time to even care.”
She Says: “Can I vent about something for a second?”
She Means: “I need to complain about the same problem I always complain about but never actually do anything to fix. Can you listen to me while offering the same advice you always offer but this time over sangria? Awesome.”
She Says: “Is Mercury in retrograde?”
She Means: “I need an excuse that isn’t PMS for acting like a total brat. Also I would have no idea how to even spell mercury if it wasn’t for autocorrect. Thanks, Siri!”
She Says: “Do you think she’s pretty?”
She Means: “There is only one correct answer to this question and it’s ‘Not as pretty as you, babe.’ …But you actually mean it, right?” .
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