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First dates. You either loathe them or loathe them. Those are your options. Let’s just be honest with ourselves for a moment: at this point in the game, we’re not really dating for the fun of it. You’re on a mission to not be the last one of your already-married-off friends standing, which is more of a sprint than a marathon. The dread to excitement ratio really levels out once you realize it’s go time and at that point, there’s really no going back.
- What underwear should I wear? I can’t really tell if he’s an ass guy or a boobs guy, and if he’s an ass guy, I don’t know whether I should go with thong or boy shorts.
- Wait. What am I even saying? Who says he’s even going to see my underwear tonight?
- That’s right! I’m a lady!
- A lady who hasn’t had sex in quite a while.
- A lady who could potentially jump his bones before we even get to the restaurant.
- I am a whore.
- What if he doesn’t want to have sex with me?
- What if he doesn’t even show up?
- What if he texts me at the last minute all “but we can still be friends haha”?
- No. I’m a smart, funny, relatively in-shape woman. Any guy would be lucky to have me.
- I really need to go back to the gym.
- I really don’t want to do this. I realllllly don’t want to do this. Nope. Don’t wanna do it.
- What are some excuses that are believable enough to cancel like…right now?
- Netflix.
- Nutella.
- My dog.
- Sweat pants.
- Pizza.
- No pants at all with zero obligation to participate in physical activity.
- I guess those are only good enough for me.
- Should I bring a sweater? I don’t really know where we’re going, but what if I don’t need a sweater? Then I’m stuck keeping up with this stupid sweater all night.
- Oh, crap. He’s here.
- “Uh, I need like five more minutes. You can come on up if you want and wait.”
- That was a lie. I need at least 20 minutes.
- “Hi! Come on in. Don’t mind my apartment, it’s a mess.”
- Also a lie. I spent all day cleaning which is why I need 20 more minutes.
- “Do you think I’ll need a sweater?”
- Ugh, he looks so hot, yet so casual. Should I change?
- Oh, wow. This restaurant is pretty nice.
- And cold. I should’ve brought my sweater.
- HIM: “So, tell me about yourself.”
- Uhhhhhhhhh.
- “Well, I’m 23 and work in PR.”
- Nice. Tell him the bare minimum. Be the least intriguing person you can possibly be. If he’s still interested after tonight, he clearly just wants you for a nice skin suit.
- I know this is 2014 and I shouldn’t expect him to pay for dinner, but is he going to pay? Should I just offer to pay for my meal upfront? Is that being too forward? What is the protocol for this?
- Oh, he got me. Phew, that answers that question.
- What are we going to do after this?
- Are we going to go back to my place? Are we going to go back to his place?
- Am I just going to go to my place and is he just going to go to his?
- Have I washed my sheets recently?
- Have I left any incriminating evidence out? Too many Cosmos? Wedding magazines? Did I leave Pinterest open on my laptop?
- That would be fun. “Hey, I know this is our first date and all, but I’ve already planned our entire life together.”
- Am I on my period? Lol no, thank God. But seriously. Thank God.
- Did I take my birth control today?
- …did I take my birth control yesterday?
- DID I TAKE MY BIRTH CONTROL AT ALL THIS WEEK?
Respond
@lnsayers
@lnsayers
What guys are really thinking on a first date:.
1) I wonder if my breath smells
2) I hope I get laid tonight
3) I swear if she orders the most expensive item on the menu I better get laid tonight
4) Nice, she’s already 2 martini’s down.
5) I hope I get laid tonight
6) And there goes a 3rd martini, things are looking up for me.
7) I really hope I’m getting laid tonight.
8) Alright I’ll offer to share a cab back to her place.
9) Walking her to the door, please tell me I’m getting laid tonight.
10) Looks like I’m not getting laid tonight, those martini’s have her hugging the toilet. Fuck.
“god I really need to fart… hold it in, hold it in, hold it in!”
11) $200 dollars on my AMX with nothing to show for it, damn.
12) Time to creep on her Instagram now that I know her last name, wow she was a dime piece freshman year, lots of potential.
13) Swipe, swipe, swipe. Hey there, what are you up to tonight? Oh, nice, nothing much here, just got back from the gym after helping my friend move since I have a truck. Please God let her like trucks.
14) Shit. Pornhub it is.
This is probably your best comment ever.