Because Capitol Hill should probably be renamed “Toddler Alley,” and they can’t even agree on Attends or Depends, as I’m sure we’ve all heard, a Federal Government shutdown looms just days away. Regardless of which political toilet you choose to shit in, the government shutdown could have serious ramifications for those of us in the postgrad world.
1. Let me start by saying if you happen to be one of the approximately 33% of government employees who are considered “non-essential,” you have my heartfelt condolences because you will be temporarily unemployed until the cry-babies in Washington get their heads out of their respective asses. On the plus side, you would get some funemployment time to catch up on Netflix, GTA 5, and Tinder.
2. How about that new bar around the corner that’s supposed to open here in a week or two? Sorry Charlie, the bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms won’t be issuing any new licenses during the shutdown, leaving you to walk or cab it an extra three or four or ten blocks to drown your sorrows and drunkenly ride the mechanical bull on “Western Night Wednesdays.” Also, we’d all better pray to God that the zombie apocalypse is put on hold too, because you won’t be able to hit up your local gun store, and the dudes who have all the guns already will be clinging to them like the wackos on Hoarders.
3. Do you live within the Washington, D.C. city limits? You’d better hope you have a large trash can, access to an unlocked dumpster, or can sneak your way onto a landfill site to get rid of your beer bottles, pizza boxes, and ramen packages, because garbage collectors will be enjoying their own funemployment. You could however, get started on this year’s beer bottle Christmas tree.
4. The Postal Service is a government entity, right? That means no bills or junk mail, right?! Wrong. The USPS, which is currently billions of dollars in debt, will continue to deliver envelopes notifying you that you have be pre-approved for yet another credit card – presumably so you can join them in even more soul-crushing debt. Rest assured though, you’ll still receive your US Weekly, Cosmo, Playboy, Maxim, and People Magazines so you can see how all your favorite celebrities are handling the shutdown way better than your sorry ass is.