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I was recently at a bar drinking a double grapefruit-infused vodka and soda. While yeah, these things were tasty as hell and allowed me to get my mid-afternoon swerve on, I also had a slight realization that ordering said drink didn’t exactly portray me as I wanted to be viewed in the world. After all, real men drink beer and whiskey, am I right?
Wrong. Every dude’s got their drink of choice and that drink of choice speaks volumes about him. After all, when I just mentioned “drink of choice,” something popped into your head — whiskey, beer, vodka, tequila, wine, absinthe, something I’ve never even heard of.
And if you don’t have a go-to drink? Get some convictions, man. You’re embarrassing yourself.
Beer — Cheap
Cheap Beer Guy is here for three reasons and three reasons only: to drink a million beers, scream at the TV, and blame the refs. Lower ABV? He doesn’t give a fuck. Who cares about numbers when you’re trying to drink fifteen to twenty of these bad boys? Sleeves on his Stone Cold Steve Austin t-shirt? Psh, he doesn’t need ’em. Does his hat match the 30-rack he just set down next to the sofa? You’re goddamn right, because Cheap Beer Guy doesn’t care what anyone thinks as long as the game is on and he’s riding the wave.
But then he’s going to pass out on your couch after drunkenly ordering Domino’s at midnight but falling asleep before it gets there only to have your girlfriend complain to you about how he’s not allowed to spend the night anymore.
Beer — Craft
“Hey man, how many IBUs in this double-IPA?” he’ll ask the bartender as you cringe and hope that none of your other friends heard him. Not only will he scoff at the idea of drinking a Budweiser, he’ll beer-shame you and explain that you can get just as drunk as everyone else off of one beer because, “This barrel-aged stout is 12%.”
“I don’t know, The Strokes went downhill after Is This It? so I’m probably going to skip their set at ACL this year,” he’ll claim looking deep into the bottom of his Mug Club glass from the bar he’s forced everyone to go to. And then you’ll wonder why you’re friends with him and try not to confront the fact that the craft beers you’re having to not offend him are making your stomach cramp.
“If drinking margaritas and listening to Katy Perry is gay, then who wants to be straight?” — James Franco, The Interview
What used to be viewed as a frilly drink that put out the wrong vibe is now viewed as the go-to License To Chill drink for mid-20s dudes everywhere. At this point, if you’re not trying to drink a top shelf margarita at some point over the weekend, then I’m not trying to hang out with you. Yeah, we’ll probably go out later on Saturday dressed like normal dudes, but in the mean time, you and I are going to be sitting at some bar by the water with our shirts buttoned too far down discussing our golf swings over some Patrón-laden delicacies. Getting it frozen says, “I’m new to the marg life” while on the rocks screams, “I’ve been here before and intend on staying here for a while.” Oh, and we’re probably ordering a Miami Vice at some point too, so make sure there’s a fresh batch of piña coladas brewing.
All Red Bull-Vodka Guy wants to do is listen to Pitbull and fix his hair in the bathroom mirror — and I’m completely fine with that. The stigma around Red Bull-Vodkas is that they’re for Jersey Shore-inspired douchebags who wear Affliction shirts and know the different echelons of self-tanners. But sometimes you need to ride the Bull and get jacked up before coasting on beers for the rest of the night because your aging body can’t handle liquor late into the night like you used to.
At the end of the day, am I going to be the guy screaming at the bartender for an RBV? No, but I’m also not going to turn one down when I hear one of my buddies order one.
Come on, bro. Keep this to yourself.
Get a load of this guy. I bet you’ve got a fully-stocked bar at your house complete with St. Germain and Campari, don’t you? It’s alright, man. I respect it. I was an early adopter to Mad Men too. Much like you, I could drop a bit of knowledge on you about the design principals of Hans J. Wegner while sitting next to a fire with a Cole Porter album on. And as the night goes on, I’m going to get lazier and lazier muddling the fruit and eventually just start drinking straight bourbon with a shit-ton of melted ice. Because that’s the life we live. Just a couple of modern day Don Drapers and Roger Sterlings.
Homeboy is going through some type of maturity renaissance. While Old Fashioneds and Manhattans are too strong for him but beer is completely beneath him (a “blue collar drink,” if you will), ordering a full-bodied red while at happy hour puts out the vibe that he’s refined despite not knowing the difference between a merlot and a cabernet sauvignon. He’s going to want to discuss Woody Allen films because Woody Allen was his introduction into any film that wasn’t of the Marvel-caliber. But it’s fine that he’s being an uppity prick because he’s got red teeth but has yet to go the bathroom and notice.
White Wine on Ice
Reserved for ballers only.
Alright, fine, this is my summer drink of choice. Hear me out.
Admitting that I like drinking white wine on ice is like admitting that I was bummed HBO cancelled Looking. I’m not proud of it, and it’s also going to make people question my sexuality. But I just flat out don’t care. I boosted off these for the duration of the summer of 2014. Did I have more than one waitress ask me if I was an “80-year old woman” while ordering it? Yeah, I did. Did I sometimes work around ordering it and simply ask for a pint glass of ice from a different waitress after I got my glass of sauvignon blanc? Yes. But was I hangover-free all summer? Yup, because once that ice melts into the wine because it’s humid as hell out, you’re pretty much ingesting a full glass of water.
Don’t knock it ’til you try it. .
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