The weather is getting hotter, but wedding season is still in full swing. Because we care here at PGP, we wanted to break down the positions of power in a wedding party. I’m taking into consideration fun factor, importance in the wedding, general attractiveness, and role in the happy couple’s life. Of course, the bride and groom rank above them all, but let’s break the rest of the bridal party down.
1. The Groomsmen – Of course, I’m biased. In my experience, the groomsmen are always the hit of the wedding. As the best friends of the groom, they’ve got stories upon stories of this guy’s sexual exploits in college and beyond. Seeing as they can ruin their buddy’s brand new marriage with one grab of a microphone, they pretty much have license to do whatever the hell they want.
2. The Bridesmaids – Kleenex companies probably love wedding season, and these gals are the reason why. Usually, a few of them have it together, but there are a couple of blubbering messes in bridesmaid dresses (I got rhymes) who just cannot hold it together for the entire day. Then again, these women are so incredibly in heat from seeing their best friend get betrothed, they throw all caution to the wind and cut loose like a bunch of she-wolves.
3. Best Man – Now we’ve gotten into the meat of the list. Obviously the groomsmen and bridesmaids rank at the top, but now we move on to the next most important people in a wedding party. The best man is the right hand man to the groom on his wedding day – the pure definition of bromance. Tasked with giving the best man’s speech, this guy has a lot of pressure on him. Can’t get too drunk, but also can’t be too sober when he delivers his address at the reception. He can be the star of the wedding if he nails his speech.
4. Maid Of Honor – Again, she and the best man are almost interchangeable, but I feel the need to say something here. In my experience, most Maid of Honor speeches are not very good. This is just in my experience. They usually go on for too long and aren’t funny. Three equal parts of funny, sentimental and sappy, with a dash of insulting, and you’ve got the recipe for the perfect wedding speech. Keep it short, dear and you’ll be fine. Then again, the MoH is a crucial member of the bridal party, making sure the bride looks great at all times and that her day is as close to perfect as it can be.
5. Father Of The Bride – A) That’s just a good movie. B) This is the man footing the bill for the massive booze-fueled extravaganza you call a wedding. He’ll also probably give a great speech, and be glad-handing the crowd for most of the night. The father/daughter dance will be beautiful, and there won’t be a dry eye in the house. It takes a real man to give away an angel, and this guy just gave away his baby girl to a guy you once saw throw a couch out of a third story window and then set it on fire.
6. Mother Of The Groom – She’s drunk. She loves everyone. She’s just happy her son is no longer her problem. She’s rocking a gorgeous mom gown from Nordstrom, and looks great for her age. She’ll dance the night away with the family and pound chardonnay all night. Her role in the wedding is limited, but she birthed one helluva guy and is the reason why we’re all here tonight. Here’s to you, mom.
7. Mother Of The Bride – She’s drunk. She loves everyone. She is so proud of her little girl for finally taking the plunge. Hopefully, she’s still married to the father of the bride or else the entire night is going to be filled with her complaining about the father of the bride’s new girlfriend. If not, she’s going to be as elegant as the First Lady. She’ll also be rocking a great mom gown and pounding wine all night.
8. Father Of The Groom – He’s just happy he got stuck with less than half of the bill. He subconsciously yearns for the days of where a dowry was a real thing, but he’s just happy he got to dust off the old tux and twirl his bride around the dance floor like the old days.
9. Readers – Hopefully they don’t look into the audience while they’re reading Corinthians 13:4-8, or else they’re going to see a bunch of eye rolling.
10. Ushers – Congratulations. You’re a good enough friend of the bridegroom to be a part of the wedding, but you’re going to be stuck in the back of the church handing out programs and seating grandparents. If bitch work exists on a wedding day, you drew the short straw. You missed out on the big show. It’s just their way of saying thanks for being such an above average friend.