======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
I was in Nashville recently and we popped into one of the million bars on Broadway on a Friday night to drink, dance, and be merry. The band was – to nobody’s surprise – amazing. Pure heat. Auditory cocaine. The night was off to a great start; we were on a torrid pace.
Me and my small bladder were ready for a pee break pretty early on. So I did like the locals do and went to the bathroom. And low and behold, there was a bathroom attendant in the shoebox of a bathroom at this Nashville bar. Crap. I looked at my phone, saw it was only 10:30, and realized I had about four hours’ worth of bathroom breaks left with this guy (unless one of the countless Pedal Tavern bachelorette parties that came rolling through wanted to take the party to their hotel). But seeing as how my bachelorette party fantasy was probably more unrealistic than Jordan Rodgers actually being into JoJo for the right reasons, I estimated I would have probably six more interactions with this bathroom attendant.
And guess what? Surprise! I hated it.
Look – I’m not a bad guy. I hate people in general, but overall I’m a people person. So of course I was friendly with the guy. Chatted him up. Told him I was from Boston after he pumped a bunch of soap on my hands (sidenote – bathroom attendants are the only people on earth who think taking a leak warrants assaulting your hands in Dial). He told me he respected the Patriots as he brushed the lint off my shoulders; a savvy move if you’re looking for a tip, if you ask me. And then once he shoved about a half a tree worth of paper towels into my hands, I walked out.
No matter how hard I danced, I couldn’t sweat out all the Tito’s and soda. Believe me, I tried. The bathroom and the attendant loomed large. I couldn’t help myself from thinking “Would he remember me? Would he recognize my awesome Travis Matthew T-shirt I snagged over at Man Outfitters? If so, he’ll know I didn’t tip him the last time. If he asks me where I’m from again, don’t tell him Boston.” When I zipped up, he was doing the whole song and dance with some other schmuck. I saw a hole to the door, like a lineman set me up with a perfect block. I whisked myself out the door.
Okay, at this point you’re probably saying to yourself “wow, Brostonian is a cheap dick.” You’d be wrong. About the cheap part, anyway. I didn’t have cash so I didn’t give the guy a few bucks, but it’s not the money I was worried about. It’s the principle of the thing. I can have an absolutely perfect bathroom experience sans attendant. It would be like if your work put in a valet in the front of the building. You can park your own damn car. Or like if a bartender poured you a drink. Hellooooo, I can just reach across and do it myself.
I don’t want this bathroom attendant thing to catch on. I really don’t. But they seem to be at a lot of bars that try to masquerade as higher end joints. I don’t want it shoved down my throat. Especially when I’m being a sloppy drunk at a bar. Maybe at a nice formal event it’d be nice to have a lint roller ran across the back of my suit. But at the bar? No chance.
As for the money: it’s 2016. It’s rare that I’m ever carrying cash. So if I don’t tip the guy, it’s because I don’t have any bills. And this just puts me in an awful spot. If I chat with him, he’s going to be really tuned in to the fact that I didn’t tip. And if I blow past the guy, he’s going to think I’m ignoring him because I don’t want to pay him the time of day, which isn’t entirely true. If I knew I could chat with the guy and there would be zero judgment when I don’t tip him, then there wouldn’t be a problem. But that’s not realistic. He’s going to judge me eight ways ‘til Tuesday, and that’s the part that irks me. Instead of cash, can I just buy this guy a beer before his shift ends?
The next night, by varying circumstances, we ended up at the same bar. And there he was again, the bathroom attendant. But this time, I was prepared. I had some money – because I learned I needed to tip the band – and made it a point to drop in a few shekels for the attendant. I wished him a great night, and was on my way. It was fine for a night, but seriously, I really don’t want to get in a habit with this thing.
I know a guy’s gotta make a buck, but I’d prefer it be done outside my bathroom. There are too many awkward situations that we’re forced to deal with, and worrying about navigating the bathroom at the bar shouldn’t be one of them..
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
Boston Max
Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly
@BostonMaxG
@boston_maxg
The only time I’ve tipped a bathroom attendant is after doing blow in a stall (rarely) or when a buddy pukes and he doesn’t say anything – with you 100% though
100% agree. I can wash my hands and grab a towel by myself. Tips are for the bartenders.
I don’t object to it, man’s gotta eat, I just wanna know..what’s the bonus for mentioning Man Outfitters in an article? $25 cash bonus? More? Free t-shirt? Just asking.
All writers have apparently started putting their earnings into a fund to pay for a grandex fashion consultant for Duda to learn to dress.
I agree with you 100%. I rarely have cash on me so I can’t tip. It’s unfair that this guy sets up a monopoly in the bathroom and takes the soap hostage. Guess who isn’t washing
I agree with your basic point, but you gotta carry cash on you regardless.
At one bar I frequent you can tell they literally removed the soap and towels from the dispensers on the wall to do it for you. I’ve been going to the the bathroom by myself for a while now. I think I can handle it on my own.
When I used to live in Nashville, we were out one night and as we hopped around, one of my friends was like “hey, I’ll meet you at the next bar.” I never heard from him again (not all that odd for this guy). He texted me the next morning to apologize for not meeting up again and that he had drunkenly decided to be the bathroom attendant (at a bar that doesn’t and will never have one). He handed guys paper towels for like an hour as he drank a few beers. He made $30 stuffed into a pint glass in the counter.
They don’t need bathroom attendants in EVERY SINGLE BATHROOM in the entire Charlotte airport either
They put up signs like a month ago saying not to tip them. Now it’s even more awkward.
OMG i hate going to that airport for that very reason. i just want to poop in peace. leave me alone.
The last time I tipped a bathroom attendant I only had a $20, so I got him to give me the $18 he had in his tip jar as change. Made him look like he had one very generous patron.
Didn’t even read the article, but I whole heartedly agree. I stopped making a mess out of using the bathroom by age 3.
One time at Mons Venus in Tampa I tipped the guy with a Target gift card that had like $2.48 on it because *surprise* I was out of cash.