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We’ve already established ourselves as the largest wine consumers in The United States. That was a huge victory that we can all hang our hats on. But in a year where we’ve got an election, The Olympics, and pretty much every other excuse in the world to take down some wine, there’s no excuse as to why we’re not one of the leaders in the world in terms of wine consumption.
The Wine Institute did a study on the countries that consume the most wine – and we’re getting fucking crushed, you guys. It’s ugly. We’re shells of ourselves out here and we’re getting dominated in every aspect of the fucking game.
Per capita? We’re only drinking 10.25 liters a head on the year. Yeah, that might sound like a reasonable amount, but stop lying to yourself like you lie to your doctor when he asks how many drinks you have per week. You need to take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror, pour a hefty glass of cab, and start pounding our nationa to the top of the list. Who are we getting beaten by, you ask? Pretty much fucking everyone – specifically Europeans, which should make you sick to your damn stomach. Per Forbes:
Vatican City – 54.26 Liters
Andorra – 46.26 Liters
Croatia – 44.20 Liters
Slovenia – 44.07 Liters
France – 42.51 Liters
Portugal – 41.74 Liters
Switzerland – 40.49 Liters
Macedonia – 40.41 Liters
Moldova – 34.18 Liters
Italy – 33.30 Liters
Austria – 30.66 Liters
Uruguay – 29.19 Liters
Greece – 27.86 Liters
Sweden – 27.51 Liters
Germany – 24.84 Liter
…
United States – 10.25 Liters
We’re getting quadrupled up by France, you guys. France.
This is an Olympic year, everyone. And you need to use that as motivation to be come the best, because I can pretty much guarantee you that you care a hell of a lot more about wine than you do about gymnastics floor routines. We need to live for excess; it’s the American way.
I don’t care how you do it as long as you dig deep. If you need to get a cold bottle of Chardonnay and drink it on ice, have at it. If you need to water down your red with some seltzer water to create an absolute money spritzer, be my guest. If you need to sit at your desk drinking a Bandit of pinot just to inch your way to the top, then by all means, drink at work.
We didn’t become the greatest nation in the world by soberly riding the coattails of Andorra, Croatia, and Macedonia, you guys. Our reputation is at stake and this needs to be taken as seriously as humanly possible.
But if you’re going to be drinking at work, make sure to swish with some water before you head into any meetings. Wine mouth is an incurable disease. .
[via Forbes]
Image via Shutterstock
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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Those numbers make it seem like the Pope is just loaded all day. Which isn’t a bad thing
Seriously though, you can barely even call the Vatican a country. There are only 451 people who live there and apparently they are constantly hammered
With all of the tourists consuming wine at church how can they even count that
I enjoy drinking wine. The problem is that I know too many people who calls themselves “oenophiles”, are pretentious about the type of wine they drink and act like a spoiled brat when I throw them a can of cheap light beer. They ruin it for me.
Once we get back on top, we’re re-doing this study in gallons. Get your liters out of my face.
The best is when you dump tons of Robotussin into a wine glass and join the conversation at the party with the rest of the winos. They have no idea that you’re half way to Mars as you laugh while they laugh because they think you’re actually laughing at their terrible story about their cats or something but you’re really just laughing at how stupid we are as an organism for killing each other over what one invisible guy said as opposed to what another invisible guy said thousands of years ago.
I’ll indulge in a bottle of cab sav tonight for you.
For America, shibbs, you’re doing it because freedom and capitalism, that’s why.
I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN!
That’s big of you, Shibbs.
I know it doesn’t technically count as wine but I’ll do my part by consuming cauldrons of sangria this summer.
I’m sure our consumption of wine amongst other alcoholic beverages will exponentially rise as we continue to deal with this election cycle.
#MakeAmericaWinosAgain
I’m gonna do my part to help this along.
But where do we rank in beer and/or whiskey consumption?