Work is hard. Reporting to a drab office every day, sitting in a cube the size of a chicken coop, and only being allowed 30 minutes of freedom throughout an eight-hour timespan (if you’re lucky) for five days a week (if you’re lucky) is just so hard, isn’t it?
Listen, I get it. But I like work. And I like money. And I like nice things. I also like the idea of marriage and kids, but my future plans are devoted to chasing the green rain.
There is plenty of luxury out there, and I am looking for someone to enjoy it with me. But if I’m going to be holding up the financial end of the household, I am going to need a qualified applicant to carry the other end. Since yesterday’s confession, I have been recieving inquiries on where to apply. Because I believe in a fair shot for everyone, I created this comprehensive application designed to communicate everything you have to offer in this regard.
If you think you have what it takes, answer the below questions and send them to me at PGPBest@gmail.com.
What is your age, location, and current occupation?
Are you just out of college and looking to be set for life without ever getting your hands dirty? Or have you been in the 9-5 grind for so long that your soul is only 15% intact compared to when you first started? Either way, I would love to hear your story.
What is your interior decorating history?
One of the truest measures of a trophy spouse is their ability to turn a simple building into a home. Does your current furniture neatly coordinate, or is your decorating style more eclectic? Have you ever attached a broken-down Keystone Light 30-rack to your wall as decoration? When was the last time you displayed a Pulp Fiction poster?
Here is also a good place to show off some of your ideas for your dream living space. For example: what colors would you choose for our living room? How do you plan on navigating the many art auctions I will send you to? Are you a sofa-and-loveseat lifer or do you fuck with L-shaped? Don’t be shy.
What is your parenting style?
Kids might not happen for a while, but if and when the day comes, I’m going to need you to be their day-one A1. Tell me your diaper changing experience, your driving record, your plan of action for potty training. Can I count on you to send me Snapchats of them doing cute things? Which teams will you raise them to be a fan of? Which sports will you have them play?
Speaking of sports, how is your spiral?
I hope you’re okay with raising D-I athletes, because that is what we are doing. Here might be a good time to mention your height, vertical, which sports you played growing up, how far you went in said sports, any relevant stats, your current workout regimen, etc.
I will also need an idea of how you will react in high-pressure sports-parent situations. How good are you at convincing a little league umpire that a ball was actually a strike? How will you react when the hockey mom on the opposing team’s side blatantly provokes her son to drop ours? The only obligation I plan on having as The Rich One is a monetary donation to the team (securing our kid a starting slot, if necessary) and attending a minimum of three games per season. This means you are on Capri-Sun-and-orange-slices duty. I am going to need to know you can take this on without being micromanaged.
What is your best home-cooked meal?
Is it a store-bought rotisserie chicken? Boxed mashed potatoes? Stouffer’s lasagna? If so, I am going to need a major willingness to learn. If you come wielding a bangin’ stroganoff recipe, can whip up a homemade salsa that punches my sinuses out, or can knock out a bundt cake from scratch, I want to hear from you.
Use the following words in a sentence:
Any bald or balding family members?
Riding or push lawnmower?
Ideal number of dogs?
Still down? Please send completed applications, along with your Instagram handle (you had to know I am going to be a little bit shallow), to PGPBest@gmail.com. Your submissions will remain anonymous..